Wife’s Insecurities Not Husband’s Problem, Advise Redditors To A Guy Whose Wife Felt Fat-Shamed
Insecurities are terrible and can drive your life in the unhealthiest way. We don’t even realise when our actions start being born out of feelings of not being good enough. Women tend to have serious body image issues because of a patriarchal culture that has often reduced us to how attractive we are, based on clear set criteria. Thin, flawless skin, hairless body, long hair, an hourglass figure, and fair, etc. – how many of us even fit this description? Do you remember the ugly duckling episode in Tom & Jerry? He sees a picture of a lookalike duck in a book with the caption “The Ugly Duckling”. Ever since then, no matter how much they tell him he looks fine, he assumes he is ugly. So women walk around with so many insecurities, as people go around fat-shaming, colour-shaming, and putting them in big boxes of ugly. So when a wife feels insecure and the husband goes around being insensitive to that, I wonder if he has no insecurities of his own. A Reddit user shared an incident and posed the question to the netizens if he was the asshole in the whole scenario.
Here’s what went down. “I (25M) care very much about my health and fitness. I worked out at the gym frequently (pre pandemic anyway, but I still work out regularly at home) and I stick to a good diet. This will all be important later. My wife (23F) is very overweight. I don’t mind, I have encouraged her in the past to try to be healthier, but she told me to stop and I respected her wishes,” he wrote.
“Anyway, it was our anniversary a while ago, so we were planning on eating out at one of our favorite fancy restaurants. To save gas money, we were planning on taking the train. We drove to the train station, parked in the parking lot, and sat on a bench to wait until the train arrived,” he explained.
That’s when they met a friend of his, a woman who was into fitness as well. “While we were waiting, one of my friends (24F) from the gym saw me and started to make conversation. We talked about what diets we were using, what our workout plans were, etc. My wife, who was unusually silent, excused herself to go to the toilet. Soon after, my friend finished talking and went on her way,” he wrote.
He realised that his wife was taking a really long time in the washroom and when the train came, he asked her how long she would take. There was no response. He was about to call the police when she finally replied saying she was at home. “This really baffled me, I thought she was using the toilet? I tried to ask her what she meant, but again, no reply. I went to the parking lot to drive home and ask her, when I saw that the car wasn’t there,” he wrote.
He called an Uber to drive him home and when they reached home, he found his wife in the room. “I asked her what she was thinking, coming back without telling me, so she told me that when I was talking with my friend about fitness, it made her very uncomfortable about her weight. So, I kid you not, she lied to me about using the toilet, and took the car back home,” he expressed.
“Needless to say, I was very angry with her. I told her that what she did wasn’t okay, but she wasn’t having any of that. She got in the car and drove off to my parent’s house. She then texted my entire family, telling them stuff like “I hated her because of her weight” and stuff like that. They’ve been blowing up my phone, telling me what a jerk I am and that fat shaming isn’t cool. I tried to tell them my side of the story, but they wouldn’t listen. I think I’m in the right, but my family keeps bothering me,” he said.
A lot of people supported him. “If she’s just said you’re fat shaming for [talking] with someone else about a common interest between you and [them], that she herself isn’t interested in, that’s her problem,” a user wrote. Another added, “She’s the one bothered by her weight. In that case, she needs to do something about it and not get upset and storm off just because you do care about your fitness and talk to others about it who share the same interest.”
“Her insecurity is her problem and should not justify this outrageously childish behavior,” another user said. “Her insecurity about her own weight should not stop you from talking about normal stuff with one of your friends,” yet another user thought he has nothing to change.
Well, this is one side of the story. Yes, the wife overreacted. It was her own insecurities that made her feel bad about herself. Honestly, it’s not a very unusual feeling. If he was a short, fat man and his fit AF wife would be chatting up with a tall, fit guy, he’d feel jealous too. She felt left out as her husband and his gym buddy chatted away.
I am not saying she is right and he is wrong. But as a partner, we are supposed to be sensitive and considerate of the other person’s feelings and insecurities. Your partner is affected by your actions and an understanding man would have been conscious of that. Didn’t he realise that something was wrong? Didn’t he see the discomfort on her face? He waited until the train arrived. I’d say he is not in tune with her feelings here.
We don’t know whether in the past he has said things to her that would make her feel shame. All things aside, even though she is wrong in the way she dealt with her insecurities, isn’t love about compassion? Instead of trying to prove her wrong, instead of getting mad at her for feeling the way she felt, he should try to understand her and tell her that he has no issues with her weight. Once her anxiety is soothed, they can have an open conversation about her body-image issues, if she feels okay with it.
A considerate partner would avoid the triggers that put you under so much stress. Imagine, she couldn’t stand being there, she probably cried at home before replying back to that text and instead of focusing on her leaving him there, he could focus on her feelings. It’s not a court and one doesn’t need to be proven guilty.
He could have spoken to her about the poor way of handling things wasn’t cool. But also supported her and helped her heal. If you really want to be acting like the other person’s hurt is not your problem, then why get married at all?