Over Idealising Your Partner In The Early Stages Can Harm Your Relationship. Here’s How
I love having conversations with people who leave me with something to think about. There’s so much to life and relationships and let’s just say our understanding touches just the tip of the iceberg. But when we talk about things and share ideas, our minds recreates them and a new thought is born. Sometimes, you end up realising things out of nowhere. For instance, today I have been thinking about how we should stop over idealising our partners.
I was speaking to someone last night, and he said that we tend to overdo things when it comes to liking or disliking a person. He said that the other person isn’t as good as you imagine them to be. Similarly, a person you dislike isn’t as bad as you think they are. And it was like a moment of epiphany for me. It’s not like we don’t know these things. But sometimes, we just need someone to spell it out for us.
Have you ever been so in awe of a guy that you saw as perfect in your head? And then been heartbroken when it didn’t work out with him? Turns out, honey that he wasn’t. I have fawned over an ex who I thought was so ideal for me. But after things are done and dusted, I did feel like an idiot for being the type to over idealise a partner.
In fact, I realised that it never wise to over idealise your partner because it will affect your relationship satisfaction in the long run. And there are studies to prove that! Here’s how over idealising your partner can harm your relationship.
Your expectations increase
At the start of a relationship or even in the talking phase, you feel smitten by the object of your attention. He is giving you his best and he is equally smitten by you. With the big fluffy cloud of romance over our heads, we can overlook just about anything. He will stay up all night to talk to you, cancel plans with his friends to be with you, and shower you with compliments. But be careful before you get used to it. Things settle as time progresses and your hormones stop overshadowing rationale. But because you over idealised your partner so much, your expectations will be shooting through the roof.
It puts unnecessary pressure on him
According to a study, idealising each other can actually make things work but only up to a sweet spot. We like to be admired but beyond that, your relationship starts suffering. “While it may be tempting to provide effusive praise, I think it’s also important to communicate understanding and validation of a person’s core identity,” Jennifer Tomlinson, a psychologist at Colgate University in New York told Live Science. She also explained that people feel their partner doesn’t know them closely enough else they would know their flaws. In fact, they feel burdened with the pressure of keeping up with the expectations and they feel they can’t or don’t want to. Over idealising your partner is as bad as overdoing anything else!
You put him on a pedestal
He is a good guy but it doesn’t mean that you will keep singing his praises. Yes, he gives you immense satisfaction but he can make mistakes too. Your constant buttering and idealising your partner will make him believe you one day – that he is literally the best. And when he starts acting like he is too good for you, he won’t seem good at all. It doesn’t mean he is bad; if someone buttered you so much you’d feel the same way. “People who are feeling over-idealized may feel like they have more power in the relationship, so they may be less willing to put their partner first,” Tomlinson said.
You will be disappointed with his flaws
When you idealise your partner so much, you are making a flawless image of him in your head. He is good but nobody is perfect. And with time, when you begin to see him for who he is and get acquainted with his flaws, you will taste disappointment. Love isn’t about finding the perfect guy or an ideal partner. There is no “perfect guy” and he will annoy you often but he will be worth it. Why? Because you have flaws too and he loves you with all of it.
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You are undermining your own worth
Subconsciously, you’re training your mind to believe that he is too good for you by over idealising your partner. Why are you singing ‘kaise mujhe tum mil gaye’ in your head? Be grateful to have him, admire him but know that you are well-deserving to be treated as nicely as you are. You deserve nothing else but respect and love. So when you’re getting that, don’t undermine yourself.