BaeWatch: “He Isn’t Ready For A Relationship. Should I Wait Or Walk Away?”
The thing with experiences is that we believe ours is a rule. So when I used to navigate the world of romance in my late teens and early twenties, the dating pool was full of guys who’d dive right into a relationship. And I thought that’s how that shiz works. You meet someone, you both like each other and with time, you are close enough to commit. I learned the hard way that “going with the flow” doesn’t mean that. In fact, it usually turns out that the flow will only lead you to sex with a pinch of casual romance.
The first time it happened, it hurt so bad. My best friend can vouch that after that I lost faith in meeting new guys and found commitment as the single most attractive thing a guy could offer. You know because that’s what I craved in the previous situationship. The second time it happened, I was better prepared. I got attached again because it seems like I have been having gallons of Dumb fuck juice. But I didn’t lose myself; in fact, I got better!
Being in a casual relationship can take you either way depending on how you handle it. So when a woman wrote to us seeking advice about her casual romance, team Hauterfly got together to help a sis out.
I have been dating this guy but casually. He says he isn’t ready for a relationship yet. Should I wait around to see if he gets there? Or should I walk away? Unfortunately, both of us are attached to each other and this whole thing is very exciting. It’s really difficult though because I love his company and the sex is amazing!
TEAM HAUTERFLY THINKS…
Mansi Shah, Managing Editor: “Are you sure both of you are attached to each other or are the mind-blowing orgasms tinting those glasses a pretty pink? If you were both attached, you wouldn’t be pondering. But you sense that he’s not attached and you are feeling all kinds of feelings. You need to sit down and ask him where the relationship is going. And hopefully, not get answers like, “It’s going somewhere fun.” See, it’s tough but it’s better than sitting down and wasting all your time figuring it out. And once you know you’re in or out (which might depend on him a lot) you can move on.”
Jinal Bhatt, Associate Editor: “Ah, it’s one of those ones. Been there, felt confused like that! You gotta have ‘The Talk’ and figure out if the ‘not yet’ is a temporary mindset or he doesn’t want to commit like ever. But I think before talking to him, it’s important to figure out what you really want first. And be brutally honest. Is it a relationship you want? Will you able to do without one if you keep getting amazing companionship and sex? If yes, then you can play the waiting game, which is totally a gamble BTW, and enjoy while it lasts. But if no, then it’s time to see this for what it is—a waste of your time and feelings. Bolt, sis, before you get too hurt, become bitter, and have to end things badly.”
Sama Meerza, Social Media Executive: “He’s clearly a commitment-phobe and in my opinion instead of wasting your time you must just move on with your life before you get more emotionally involved. He will make you go round in circles and in the end, cut you off like you never existed in his life. If you can, then you should totes not let go of the amazing sex without catching feelings.”
Anjali Agarwal, Fashion & Beauty Writer: “It actually depends on why he says he won’t commit and how much time it’s been since you two started dating. If he is recovering from a nasty past relationship, you can wait to see if he comes around because people take time to trust again. Talk to him about how you feel and ask him where he sees the relationship going. If it feels like he isn’t sure about you or won’t commit just because he likes to keep it casual and that’s not what you’re looking for, I’d say kiss him goodbye and run!”
Chingsanghoih Guite, Graphic Designer: “You can’t rush someone into loving you but if you really want something out of this then my honest advice would be to wait for him if he says he is as attached to you are you are to him. But also know when to walk away if it takes a toll on your emotions and if you feel like this is going nowhere.”
Mitali Shah, Lifestyle Writer: “Two weeks. Give the guy two weeks to decide whether he wants a casual relationship or a full-blown one. If he can’t decide in two weeks, walk away because then you’re just wasting your time even if makes your toes curl in bed. Casual dating can be very exciting at first, but it gets old very fast, and more often than not, it doesn’t end very well. So according to me, setting an ultimatum is the way to go.”
Akanksha Narang (me!), Features Head: “You know exactly what you are supposed to do, subconsciously. If he says he is not ready for a relationship, take his word for it. Ask him one final time if this is a dead end. Don’t “wait” for him to change his mind but if he does, well and good. Although let me tell you the chances of you witnessing a UFO is better than him offering you commitment. You are holding on to these complications because as long as it’s entangled, it means it’s still there. You are holding on to him because you know the right choice would be letting him go and you want just someone to tell you, no you must stick around.
Honestly, there will be a point where you will just flip and then it won’t be hard to walk away. You say this is like a relationship but is it really? Does he give you the same kind of place a partner gets? Does he prioritise you and make efforts in calling you, seeing you without just drinking and making out? Good sex can make you feel closer than you are! Once you see it, you will get over it…almost. It’s just easier to prepare yourself to move on before actually walking away. Until then, enjoy the sex and make rules that will help you detach from him. And then walk away, with your confidence, good memories, and no regret (here’s how)! Some of us are driven by our fears and baggage, it doesn’t mean what you had wasn’t special.”
Baewatch is Hauterfly’s weekly service to womxn everywhere. We are giving no-holds-barred, funny, interesting answers to your relationship problems. We’re not experts so you may end up married or broken up. It could go either way. *shrugs*