#Relationships: I Used To Be A Possessive Girlfriend But Here’s How I Changed That
I believe jealousy is one of the most layered and complicated emotions, that need not be preserved. When we find ourselves feeling slightly possessive, it’s a different story. We are all a little possessive of what we love because we don’t want any threat to our equation. It’s natural and I don’t know if it’s possible to feel not possessive at all. But being possessive to the point where you pee around your boyfriend is a scenario that can make him feel suffocated or scared of you, because well, he isn’t your territory.
Jealousy is a juvenile emotion and when I started dating, I was pretty possessive as a girlfriend. I have been a tough one and my ex was scared to tell me a lot of things. But I realised that these things shouldn’t have happened and he shouldn’t have had to lie to me, which obviously makes you doubt them even more. Gradually, as I grew up I chilled out and today, I am not a jealous girlfriend. I wish this was a midnight TVC and I could tell you wearing a suraksha kawach would shield you from these negative feelings. But nope, you really have to work on yourself and grow as a person. Here are a few things I learnt over the years.
1) If you don’t see him as trustworthy, don’t date him
Here’s the thing. If you feel that your boyfriend could be sexing it up or planning to with that hot colleague, why do you want to be with him? If you want a monogamous relationship, no matter how much you monitor him or act possessive, he will cheat if he wants to. And if he wants to swear loyalty to you, he will, without you having to hover over him. Date a guy that’s trustworthy. Often, we know the other person won’t cheat on us but we still feel threatened. Find out why.
2) Jealousy is neither revenge nor romance
Okay, so this ex of mine used to go crazy on me and even checked my chats. He got super jealous of all the male friends I had. I think he was also jealous of my female friends; he wanted to be my only priority I guess. And I was fried that he was suffocating me so much. So I kinda flipped and got over-possessive with him as revenge. You know like you have a problem with me talking to other guys, I will show you how that feels! You can tell that didn’t end well. It was a disaster, in fact. This is why I realised that jealousy is often seen as a way of getting back at your partner by seeking control over them. Sometimes, we also see it as a measure of love. But jealousy is none of these things; it’s a dish best not served. It will only give you diarrhoea and you will crap all over your relationship.
3) It’s possible to be platonic friends with people, even if they are hot
Let’s be brutally honest – you don’t get possessive if your bae’s close friend isn’t that attractive. First, you compare and then you shallowly rate yourself higher and you’re suddenly not threatened. But God forbid if his friend is a hottie! You begin to feel jealous as if women are dressing up pretty just to steal boyfriends. I realised this when I put myself in the guy’s shoes. I do have guy friends who are platonic to me and my boyfriend should never feel threatened by them…unless Jason Momoa was a “friend” of mine.
4) You can’t force someone to prioritise you
Sometimes, we’re not jealous because we think he’s gonna go cheat or fall for her. We want to be on top of his list and when he prioritises someone else, you feel a little butthurt. And maybe you’re overthinking it, maybe you’re not. Either way, you have to talk to him about boundaries and expectations amicably. Acting territorial won’t get you the top spot.
5) Look for the underlying reason and fix that instead
Unless your boyfriend is actually promiscuous or you have trust issues, jealousy isn’t just jealousy. Like I have never felt possessive when I know what place I hold in his life. When I have his affection, he is committed to me, I am the most chilled out person. But if I am insecure about his love for me, I channel it to doubt and possessiveness, none of it being useful. So find out what is making you feel insecure and work on it together.
6) Jealousy is a valid feeling
I feel like I have come a long way and today, I don’t feel jealous. But having said that, I have worked on handling this emotion better and the first step is to validate it. Don’t act like it’s a crime to feel jealous, don’t deny it. If you don’t acknowledge it, you won’t be able to deal with it in a healthy manner. And it’s not your job alone. When you’re in a relationship, you’re a team and also to some extent responsible for each other’s feelings. So he should be invested in ironing it out as well.
ALSO READ: #Relationships: 7 Things I Worked On After Every Relationship That Made Me A Better Partner And Improved My Love Life
7) But I don’t have to give in to controlling behaviour
Attraction is natural but it doesn’t mean that we let it escalate and control us. Similarly, jealousy is natural but you must not give it let it play you like a puppet. Do not do things like checking his phone, stalking his social media, spying on him, etc. There’s really no going back from this. Firstly, it’s disrespectful of someone’s personal space and secondly, your mind will believe what it wants to. Like my ex looked through my messages and thought I flirted with every guy I spoke to. Work on being rational.