People Drop Relationship Truth Bombs That Rom-Coms Won’t Tell You
When I was younger, I used to look at love through rose-tinted glasses and bring so much sweetness to the relationship that looking back, it felt almost too idealistic to last. I am not saying love shouldn’t be sweet but it really depends on what you find endearing. Me? I’d love me a guy with whom I can talk to about anything under the sun while I look my ugliest best and burp unabashedly after chugging down beers! I can put up a façade of being perfect but who are we kidding and why? However, as romantic as this sounds, a real, long-term relationship isn’t just the parts that social media covers.
We are bombarded with content that show us what couples are upto. They are out there travelling, looking gorgeous and clicking several PDA pictures. Some of them are getting married; some are making babies and some are just enjoying date nights. You do cute couple-y things but this is just a part of your relationship. A lot of effort goes into communicating right, fulfilling each other’s needs, synchronising yourselves as a team and self-improvement.
So when someone asked on Reddit about the truths of being in a relationship, the comments flooded the thread. Here’s some words of wisdom from the same.
Don’t stay with someone out of pity
“Putting off ending things for fear of hurting someones feelings is the worst possible idea. If the relationship isn’t right and you know you don’t want to be together then sparing someone’s feelings in the short term only leads to more pain later down the line. Be honest and front the horrible conversation,” a user explained. It is really doing no one any good!
Losing your identity is easy, restoring it is tough
“Losing your identity within a relationship is easy to do. Finding it again isn’t. Remember to keep your friends and hobbies,” someone wrote. Another person vouched for it, “Keeping your friends and hobbies is also good for the health of the relationship, not just in case it fails. It puts less pressure on the relationship to entertain and keep you happy, gives you space, a broader focus and interesting things to talk about. It also helps you be you, who is the person your partner fell for in the first place!” Prioritising your partner is important but not at the cost of your sense of self. Know where to draw the line.
The honeymoon phase makes way for comfort
Reality hits and how. “After the first year or two, things settle down and become normal. That’s okay. A deeper love will form, but it’s not going to be the crazy passionate puppy dog love it was at first. Things evolve and change,” a user wrote. Another added, “As I like to describe it, the excitement of a roaring bonfire at the beginning is replaced by the comforting warmth of a gentle burning hearth that you can go home to everyday.”
Long-term relationships require a lot of acceptance
Some things won’t change, especially the ones you find the most annoying! “At a certain point, you have to accept some particular negative parts of your partners personality or move on,” someone wrote. “My husband is almost 50. We’ve been married for over 20 years. While he will continue to experience personal growth, there are parts of his personality that are likely to not ever change. The same is true for myself, of course,” a woman explained.
“You either accept it without grudge, or if it’s something you cant be flexible with, you move on. People who think they can “fix” things about their partner are doomed to be in a constant state of disappointment,” a user weighed in. Another woman shared, “When one of us starts getting annoyed with something that is just a fundamental part of who we are our response is always ‘You knew what you were getting into.’”
Relationships are not glamourous
What is love? It’s not always how they show in the movies! “It’s handing them a box of Cheez-its when they get home from a 12 hour shift and are too exhausted to move. It’s driving them to the airport at 3 a.m. for their dream job interview. It’s managing their prescriptions when they get too sick to do it themselves,” a user explained.
They further added, “Relationships are often unglamorous and while a committed relationship can be very rewarding, there’s more to it than you and your hot partner canoodling and going on trips for the rest of your lives. Relationships can take a lot of work, some of it that you will never see coming in the early days.”
Love isn’t enough
Sometimes things don’t work even if you dearly love them. “Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should be with them. A relationship needs more than love,” a user wrote. “I really feel this. I truly love my ex. I always will. We’ve broken up and gotten back together twice. If love could make it work it would, but its not enough. I feel like a different person from when we first met and I just don’t see a future there, we have different dreams and lives. Its a painful thing to realize,” another person shared.
You have to work on feeling complete on your own
“You can’t look for someone else to be your “other half”, you have to learn how to be a whole person on your own. This means being able to take care of your own emotional needs, too,” someone wrote.
However, it doesn’t mean that you don’t give two hoots about the other person. There is a mutual responsibility to a great extent. “Loving someone and being loved puts you in a position of mutual responsibility – your actions affect the other person’s emotions and to some degree you are now accountable for how they feel. You need to be willing to make compromises because you value your partners happiness and respect their needs. A good relationship is built on mutual responsibility and respect and is not unconditional,” a user explained.
You don’t have to like the same things but agree on the important things
It’s okay to not like the same things. You are partners, not physically tied together. You can explore things on your own too. You can disagree on little things and it’s okay. “It’s also not necessary for you and your partner to like all of the same things. It’s simply unlikely that you will, and you shouldn’t force it just because they’re your partner. There are going to be some things you love doing together and some things that you do on your own and it’s ok. I’d argue that you really should have things you do apart sometimes. If she’s got a subscription to Faberge Egg Cleaner Monthly and you really hate gaudy things, you can still have a healthy relationship,” a user advised.
However, it’s important you agree on the important things. “It’s VERY important to make sure you both have the same expectations and values; otherwise like two unequally yoked animals, you will continue to walk in circles over the same ground,” a user wrote.
They won’t read your mind
“They aren’t going to magically know you’re upset with them. They aren’t going to read your passive-aggressive signs. They aren’t going to pick up on that. Be direct. If you are upset, talk to your partner about it. Not your friends. Not you parents. Not strangers on the internet – your partner,” a Redditor advised. Communication is important and one of the non-negotiable aspects of a relationship. Being in love doesn’t mean you can read their mind.
But you really have to pick your battles
“Not all arguments are worth having,” a person wrote. They added, “Yes, communication is extremely important and key to a healthy relationship…but so is triaging the things you nit-pick.” What’s the point of fighting over little things or things that won’t change?
ALSO READ: 5 Reasons Casual Sex Is Just Empty Calories
Your relationship should not be a source of stress
“You should not be anxious about the relationship all the time. You shouldn’t be stressed about if they love you or if they’re going to leave you or if they’re out cheating on you or what they’re thinking. It shouldn’t be a major source of stress, in fact if it’s a good partnership both of your lives should be easier. The old adage about relationships being hard work isn’t really accurate, being with them shouldn’t be hard or a battle. It’s more accurate to say that a good relationship takes effort, like you should both be striving for open communication, handle conflict in a healthy way, make each other happy but it shouldn’t be exhausting or hard or stressful to be with them. They should be a source of comfort,” they wrote. This is how you understand if you just need to accept their flaws or they are really bringing you down.