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I Can’t Marry Someone I Don’t Feel A Spark With. It Doesn’t Matter How Good He Is On Paper

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In my dating career of 12 years, I have met a couple of guys I had this crazy sizzling chemistry with. But none of it lasts, except the scars it left behind on my optimism. Then there are guys who are just perfect, at least on paper – they are respectful, share the same values, offer you commitment and consistency. You really want to fall for them and you try. You talk, make jokes, and share a good level of comfort. Why not? They are essentially nice. But then, you realise that there is no spark. There is no sexual tension. And you’re like okay, let’s see if it gets better with time and I hope it does because without sexual chemistry, how far can it go?

Especially from a marriage perspective, we get so involved in profiling our potential partners that we sideline chemistry. Honestly, for me sexual chemistry is vital. I cannot feel fulfilled in a relationship that feels more platonic than my connection with my bedside lamp. This is a conversation I have had with myself several times – am I crazy to not be with a guy that’s otherwise nice just because we don’t have sexual chemistry? Like imagine finding someone whose life goals and values are aligned with yours. My family and friends loved him and so did I. But in that debate, the side of me that wants a spark in her romantic connection wins.

It All Begins With Attraction

And it seems like several experts and researchers would support me in this. It’s been noted that love essentially is a series of chemical reactions, the onset of what starts in sexual tension. “[Sexual chemistry] is the first thing that ignites a relationship…Even just in terms of attraction from afar, you’re seeing the way that someone engages with their surroundings and moves about a room, and you feel drawn to them. Or, you see the way that they’re engaging with you and your body and the space surrounding you, and you feel drawn to them or connected with them,” ,” Britanny Burr, editor-at-large at Psych N Sex told Elite Daily.

What happens after the initial interaction and attraction? We need that spark to feel excitement towards them. “It’s important to keep sexual chemistry up because [it’s] literally what triggers the chemical reaction of our excitement towards that individual, our draw to them, our sexual attraction to them, and our interest in them, [and it] spurs our emotional connections as well,” Burr said.

 

Our Bodies Know It First

According to a research, romantic love on a biological level is mammal’s way of finding a mate for reproduction. “Data on mate choice among mammals suggest that this behavioural ‘attraction system’ is associated with dopaminergic reward pathways in the brain. It has been proposed that intense romantic love, a human cross-cultural universal, is a developed form of this attraction system,” the research says. Our bodies scan the room for mates we can mate with, should we want to reproduce and we know sex is the way to go about it. Surely, today sex is for pleasure rather but our bodies can spot chemistry even in a hopeless place.

 

Without Physical Affection, I Can’t Love

It’s not even about sex; it’s about intimacy. Being touched by someone you are attracted to spikes the dopamine levels in your brain, making you feel rewarded. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, and the author of Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray says love has three stages: lust, attraction, and attachment. Lust is driven by physiological factors and driven by our hormones which are basically pushing us to do acts of reproduction. But attraction goes beyond physiological aspects.  “(Attraction is) the appeal of someone’s features, or the way they make you laugh—but your body is still calling the shots at this stage, pumping you full of the hormones cortisol, adrenaline, and dopamine, effecting your brain in a way that’s not unlike the way illicit substances do,” explains Mental Floss.

All that leads to the shooting up of oxytocin, the hormone that is responsible for getting our feelings involved. It makes us bond and is rightly called the love hormone. “Physical affection increases/iterates the all-important message: I love you, I want to be with you and most important — I love you specifically,” Grace Lee, co-founder of A Good First Date Online, told Elite Daily. And you may want to hug a person you are not sexually attracted to but you wouldn’t feel the burning desire to play tongue tennis with them. And all that skin hunger and lack of rewarding sex can make you a grumpy old hose people are afraid of on Monday mornings.

ALSO READ:#Relationships: 5 Reasons Why Men Love It When You Moan During Sex

Sexual Attraction And Attachment Both Are Important

According to the research by Fischer, both are important for a relationship to last. “The sex drive evolved to motivate individuals to seek a range of mating partners; attraction evolved to motivate individuals to prefer and pursue specific partners; and attachment evolved to motivate individuals to remain together long enough to complete species-specific parenting duties,” the study reads. Of course, we need emotional compatibility and shared values to continue being attached, without relying completely on oxytocin. However, when one of these elements is short, relationships become difficult and that aspect requires work.

In the end, we need both and how often have you found both in one guy? That’s the brutal truth why I find dating so difficult in today’s times. Sure, sexual chemistry is the easiest to find. Shared values are still manageable. Finding both in one guy requires scuba diving into the dating pool and going into the depths of it and return empty-handed.

ALSO READ: #Relationships: What His Post-Sex Behaviour Says About His Feelings For You(Opens in a new browser tab)

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