I Can’t Be Myself In A Non-Committed Romance. And Here’s Why
Last night I was on a call with my equally temporarily insomniac bestie, and we chatted away about things, unfiltered and honestly, slightly unhinged. And in a particular section of our two-hour long conversation, we actually analysed my inability to get into or maintain a – for the lack of a better term – casual relationship. However, I like to call it non-committed because casual makes it sound more fun and interesting than it usually is. Something completely casual is supposed to breezy, like going on dates, making love, and then forgetting about them. Or not feeling jealous if they went for a drink with someone else.
But I realised that I can’t enjoy casual, mainly because I can’t be myself in it. Like if I don’t care about you, I would be totally suave. Then we can hook up and they will leave exhilarated. But if I catch feelings, oh boy, I can’t deal with these uncertainties. I become the most boring person ever. Suddenly, I lose topics to talk about and some of my brain cells because they asked me to get attached in the first place. I become distant and all that, building a wall of my insecurities. But I guess it’s not just me; research does say that fear and uncertainty of what lies ahead can reduce your libido. So last night we further delved into why women can’t be themselves when they are denied commitment and this is what we found.
1) I don’t know how much emotional investment would be dangerous
Since there is no formula for calculating the level of emotional investment that won’t make you feel like a fool, I really fear any sort of furtherance of my attachment. Actually, when he doesn’t want to commit, the ideal level of emotional investment is zero, which I should have realised earlier. These thoughts stop me from being myself because that would mean getting more attached.
2) I feel conflicted about my place in their life
I know how to be a girlfriend very well. But I don’t know where I stand in a non-committed relationship. I don’t understand grey areas. So I don’t know if I can pick the phone up and talk to them about whatever I want. I don’t know if I can talk to them when I feel low. So I become hesitant in doing things freely and that just makes the gap between us wider.
3) I feel judged
If you find me attractive, like me, and all that but find me unfit to be your girlfriend, I am obviously being judged on some tiny flaw. Like what? You don’t like my toenails? This reminds me of the list of pros and cons Ross had made of dating Rachel, except there aren’t any pros listed in his. Nope, can’t be myself in a space where I am judged.
4) I stop being goofy if I don’t feel emotionally secure with someone
Most of us reserve our goofiest and craziest sides for people we are close to. And even though I feel close to him, I don’t know how long that will last considering he doesn’t want to label it. I don’t know at what point I will say, this is enough. So somehow, if I am not feeling emotionally secure and loved for who I am, I can’t show the side of me that’s cuckoo and quite judge-able.
5) I feel afraid of being disappointed so I become distant
We don’t usually want to think about the expiry date of our temporary but passionate romance. Because clearly it kinda kills our buzz and libido. But sometimes, I do really fear getting more attached because that would just mean having a breakup without having an actual relationship. And that is just sad because you feel stupid mourning it. So I become distant and then the connection loses all the benefits I had reserved for people close to me, even though they are close to my heart.