I Appreciate The Orgasms But Not Being Treated Like A Used Tissue After Casual Sex
Even though it’s casual sex, it’s so comforting, the tightness of his embrace. And each time he pulls me closer, I can feel his breath bouncing off my shoulder as I stand on my toes to be able to wrap my arms around his neck. Then with the sweetest look in his eyes, he whispers, “I love the smell of your skin,” and I gasp, seeking some sort of catechism to handle these surprisingly romantic words I hear. As I try to substitute words with a knowing smile, he goes on to exclaim how he can just sniff me out in a line-up. Well, it’s undeniably clear that his olfactory system remembers my sex pheromones because it’s been fed with that in abundance. It’s part science, part charm but my naïve heart cannot help but skip a beat, each time he says that and plants a kiss on my shoulder.
This intimacy irresistibly draws me towards him; his vulnerability and openness make me feel really close. Before we know it, the sun is setting and we still have more, never-told-anyone things to share with each other. We talk, baring our souls and bodies and yet it feels more than sexual. As he puts one arm around me while we watch Netflix, my head leans towards his, and I move an inch closer, and he plants a reassuring kiss on my cheek. It’s so cozy and comfortable that at that moment, I can feel the emotional air pockets in my heart dissolving.
So much care, connection, and affection are healing, to say the least. I know this isn’t anything long-term but why do we love physical intimacy so much? Because it has healing properties; if done right, even if temporary it can rejuvenate your soul. You feel like you are in a meditative practice where the kisses are penetrating your skin, going through your veins, and revitalizing your energy. That’s what I love and expect. That’s what I would offer a guy I connect with, even if I can’t commit to him.
Is it too much to ask for? Because several men in the dating pool go around giving you a free subscription of Anxiety Prime you didn’t ask for. Consent to casual sex doesn’t have a sample-size ‘treat me like shit’ permission attached, so why?
How does casual sex that is feeling so good end up making me feel anxious? Here’s how. There we are, canoodling like there’s nothing better, with him being more affectionate than I am. Doused in romance, my demisexual ass gets turned on and there we are, making slow love. He pays full attention to every single erogenous zone in my body and brings me to orgasm. Sex with him is like cuddling but wetter.
Wow, this feels like someone is really treating me to a spa. Once again, I know it is casual and hence, I have subtracted the more intimate parts of our lovemaking sesh. And then it’s done and dusted. He checks his phone, becomes distant and I begin to feel like “what am I doing here?” I am still happy with the casual sex I just had and I peck his cheek, you know much like he was doing before we did it. But there he is, responding half-heartedly. This is why half-night stands came into existence. Would I want to wait around to witness the post-sex distancing phenomenon that makes me feel like shit? Nope.
From showering me with so much affection – sexual and non-sexual – to becoming cold and distant, this casual sex took my rejuvenation, stabbed it 47 times, and turned it into ugly anxiety. Before or after you go, there he is, making sure he didn’t unlock your feelings or a can of worms as they could seem to him. Is that intimacy he just felt? Did he just make love to you, maybe even initiated it in the first place? Oh, the love drug fades off, his fear of intimacy surges even more and before you know it, he’s there almost regretting the whole thing. And yet, he will do it again. And then there will be distancing, regret, more distancing before it happens again.
I don’t want an orgasm that feels so good at the moment but feels bad later on. I don’t want to be a guy’s regret. I am so not interested in that. Please come to me, if you know what you want and what you can offer without making me feel like shit. Like hey, girls can do casual sex. This could be fun. I know it’s not like we are going to date and I don’t want your “forever”. But can you stop switching between affection and rejection? Can you stop making me feel like I made a mistake by treating me like a mistake?
I admire men who are very clear about what they want. If they don’t want intimacy or any extra frill, they will flirt with you, you will probably have casual sex and there you go. Done. Dusted. Go home. That’s much, much better.
But what’s with offering intimacy before sex and withdrawing it after sex? I am not saying that he intentionally made me feel like shit. But my self-preservation needs feel attacked with such kind of indecisive and unstable behaviour. In simple words, even though he didn’t intend to make me feel that way, I felt used.
It hurt, a lot – my feelings and my self-esteem. As much as I hate it, these experiences where you felt like a disposable glove, shake your confidence. Imagine if you’re in a restaurant and someone passes you by and makes a terrible face like they smelled something rotten. For a moment, you will have self-doubt and maybe even check if you are smelling okay. And then you realise that you are smelling fresh like a lavender meadow, leaving you confused but your confidence restored.
I have entertained this enough. Now, I won’t. Not anymore. And guess what? I don’t even need to talk it out, get closure, or any of that. My closure is in my hands and how do I get it? By accepting that I can’t change people, I can’t control anyone’s behaviour nor have any expectations. But I can control how much I let a person affect me. I can choose whether I want a particular experience in my life.
So dear men who treat your casual sex partners like Goddesses one moment and mistakes the next, I hope I never have to share a bed with you again. I hope I preserve my interests and don’t get pulled into an anxiety-laden pit that’s hard to crawl out from.
How many of us have experienced this? How many of us have felt like shit after a hookup? Casual sex doesn’t mean you can make someone feel like a used tissue. Casual sex in itself doesn’t make us feel regret, it’s the way we were treated that does. Thanks for a wonderful orgasm but for the anxiety and regret, no thanks. Never again.