Here’s What To Do If You’re Feeling Lonely In A Relationship
When you’re single, and you go around on Christmas, looking at those couples dousing each other in affection, you have some really strong feelings. Maybe you feel nauseated with the overdone PDA, maybe you feel deeply lonely because well, you have no one. Then the holidays pass, the cringe-y romantic movies get old and you’re allowed to feel not lonely again. Of course, there are nights when you’re third-wheeling, or all your friends have plans and you wish you had someone but the guy you’ve been texting is so dull. It happens. However, when I am in a relationship, I wouldn’t want to feel lonely. Then what am I getting? All the weight of carrying a relationship and no fun?
“Being alone is when you’re literally by yourself, whereas loneliness is a psychological state that lasts longer than a mood,” says Kiaundra Jackson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. When you’re single and lonely, you still feel hopeful; you’re feeling positive that there is someone out there that will soon become your partner and you will have companionship in your life. However, when you’re lonely in a relationship, you begin to feel like all doors are closing on you. If you love them and you don’t want to leave them, it makes you wonder if this is how unhappy you will be. Straying isn’t something you want to go for, so there you, just thinking of beetein lamhe when you felt close.
But you need not give up. You can fix this! Here’s what you can do if you feel lonely in a relationship.
Ask yourself – is there love between us?
The most important thing in a relationship is love. I realised that if I love someone, I want to fix things. I want to resolve conflicts since I am in no mood to be without them. If you don’t love each other, then the namesake relationship can make you feel lonely, because you are not actually connected. Once it’s established that there is love, we can unclog your connection!
“Bombarded with information and accustomed to instant gratification, we might not know how to receive subtler messages of love. Who has time for complexities? Most of us do not recognize our addiction to “easy.” We just feel bored and blame the other for not being more exciting. Satisfying relationships need time and dedication,” writes Dr. Andrea F. Polard in Psychology Today. No matter how close you are, a partner cannot make you feel less lonely if you are not content with your own company. A partner cannot be with you at all times, fulfilling all your emotional needs. In fact, you need to see if he has the emotional bandwidth to be there as much as you want. And then find a middle-ground. Evaluate what your needs are before communicating with him about those.
Communicate your feelings without playing the blame game
It’s easy to simply yell at them saying they are being a terrible person, treating you like a trophy girlfriend or wife. You are somewhat mad at them and a lot of blaming can happen if you treat them like an enemy. But it’s only human for our fight or flight responses to get activated when we feel attacked and none of it is what we want. So calmly explain to him how you feel. Don’t assume that he should just know what your needs are. Don’t leave it on him to figure how to make you feel less lonely. Put that self-evaluation to good use and tell him what you need – more conversations, physical intimacy, more sharing, etc. Communicating doesn’t guarantee a good relationship but all the good ones have it in common!
Establish a daily connection routine
We get settled into our relationship and stop connecting with each other. Even though you love each other, you don’t feel it because you’re not establishing that connection on a regular basis! Make a routine of checking on each other daily – wishing each other good morning, good night, discussing your day, making plans to spend quality time. Schedule it and once you spend more time really knowing what is happening in the other person’s life, it will work wonders.
Be vulnerable with your partner
Sometimes, we don’t realise that we are feeling lonely because we have walls around us. If he has walls up too, maybe you can be the first one to let your guard down. You will feel lonely in a relationship if you can’t bare it all and be vulnerable with each other. “It’s not comfortable, it’s not always safe, but this will help you determine who will support you and who will not,” Alysha Jeney, a millennial relationship therapist and the owner of Modern Love Counseling told Brides.com. “You may be experiencing isolation because you haven’t taken risks at being vulnerable and shown them the real you, so you aren’t connecting deeply,” said Jeney.