Don’t Get Riled Up When I Fight With You. Worry When I Go Silent Instead.
Why do we fight with someone we love? A person I don’t love doesn’t have the capacity to hurt me because well, I have no fucks to give for what they do. But when I am close to someone, they have the power to hurt me. I guess that’s all of us. Someone I consider close, I would like to be able to express my hurt to them. But what happens when it’s not well-received? What happens when you don’t even know if you have the right to fight? Does it make any difference at all?
You get so troubled when I fight, but that’s no trouble, honey. The trouble is when I stop fighting, when I go silent and write it in a diary instead of speaking to you. And you were supposed to be my human journal, someone I could talk to about everything.
She stops fighting with you and that puts you in a comfortable position because who likes confrontation, right? Nobody likes to have difficult conversations, not even the person who is hurt in the first place. It takes me a lot to verbally express my feelings (especially the difficult ones) and if I do, imagine how much you mean to me. The purpose was never to make you feel uncomfortable or to make you feel any less; it was to make things better for us.
What do I do when something upsets you? Do I get defensive? Have I ever invalidated your feelings? If something I did hurt you, I would make sure I let you know what my true intention was, without ridiculing the way you felt. For me, it was never about wrongs and rights but about what can make you feel more emotionally secure in this connection.
So what happens when it begins to feel like a futile effort? I stop fighting. I go silent. I would rather hold my self-respect than have you make me feel I am crazy. I would rather be quiet than have you all upset because then I have two upset people to deal with – you and me.
This isn’t healthy, I know. But can you blame me? I would like to believe that’s how most or at least several of us function. We walk around with walls ready to go up, faster than an entire country starts to believe the baseless, unethical claims of a news channel these days. So, please, can we petition to approach each other’s hurt with a little more understanding and a little less defense? Our loved ones aren’t our enemies, after all. We are on the same side of the fence, fighting for the same team – us. And if I am not fighting with you anymore, here’s why you should worry.
Worry when I stop expecting from you
How many times do I get surprised with the limited rights I have over you? When you make me feel clingy for expecting something from you, yes in that moment I get a quick reality check. I am reminded that I probably need to keep my expectations in check. But guess what, don’t we expect only from the people we hold dear? And you’d rather lose that than fix things.
Worry when I stop getting possessive
When I get possessive, I am not accusing you of being promiscuous and sleeping with the whole town. It is not that I think you are being shady. We only get possessive for someone precious to us. But you getting defensive at the slightest sign of my possessiveness, even when I am just doing it playfully makes me feel judged. I would never ever make you feel you don’t have the right to feel possessive about me. And if you do, the only choice I have is to stop. And I wonder if that will bring you more peace than knowing that someone cares enough about you that they want to protect what they share with you.
Worry when I stop wanting your attention
You know how I seek your attention in the most ridiculous ways? Almost like a cat sneaks up to you, because well, it isn’t damaged and fucked up like us complicated humans. It will ask for your attention because it feels secure enough to expect it from you. When you get irritated with that, it feels pretty much like rejection. Am I supposed to not want your attention? You can always respond with something that doesn’t make me feel like I am asking for too much.
Worry when I stop keeping my guard down
Yes, you have had your share of heartaches. I have too. Maybe even more than you do. But I let my guard down for you. And I would like it to remain that way. But eventually, walls grow around you when you feel you are the only person responsible for your emotions.
Worry when I don’t fight for us anymore
I cannot make it easier for you than this. I would like to believe I am one of those people who understand and picks her battles. You have flaws and so do I. And just because I am crazy about you doesn’t mean I am oblivious to your annoying side. It just means I don’t judge you on that and I understand you. I really do. Don’t make me feel I am not allowed those few, rare episodes of hurt. It really cannot get easier than this. If she doesn’t even get mad at you even for a bit, does she even care about you? I really wish men understood this. And if I stop fighting because you don’t like it, will I even care? I doubt. That should worry you, my friend. My silence is far more dangerous than me caring enough to fight for us. This is how experts would rather have us end a fight in a healthy way.