BaeWatch: “My Boyfriend Has Become Way Too Selfish. Where Is This Going?”
I am one of those people who bounce back immediately after a breakup or so it seems. Most people would not even know that I am grieving, including myself. So there I go, acting like I am super chill after breaking up with my boyfriend and over a period of introspection and reflection, I realised this isn’t quite healthy. Consequences? I am still petrified of being taken for granted by a man who will seem incredibly warm for the first six months or so. Or maybe till he gets me. So the next guy will have to prove himself to be consistent before I get serious.
It sucks when you get stuck with someone who you thought you knew. So when a woman wrote to us talking about a similar situation, Team Hauterfly decided to help her out.
“I have been dating this guy for the past year, out of which six months he was all good, excluding the time when he was pursuing me. Eventually, he stopped calling or putting effort into making plans with me. He barely feels empathetic towards anything I tell him, whether it’s related to him or another person. When I confront him, he tells me I am the one who isn’t understanding. Everything is according to him – how he feels, what he wants to do, when he is free, when he wants to have sex. I am not there in this relationship, it seems. What should I do?”
Team Hauterfly Thinks…
Mansi Shah, Managing Editor: “I think there is something to be said about men liking the chase. I firmly believe they do. But then, and this happens on both sides, once the adrenaline rush wears off and the rose-tinted glasses are cast aside, you have to live the reality of the person. With your boyfriend, he’s mentally checked out. He’s left the building hun. Now he may not want to say it but he doesn’t want to be in this with you. His mental and emotional investment is as good as nothing and he’s making this entirely about himself. You could have an honest chat with your boyfriend about the situation and say you will leave and perhaps it’s the best thing right now. On the other hand, it could also be that you’re very involved in the relationship and forgotten what you are like. Take some time out for yourself, dress up, spend time with girlfriends. Become the girl you were instead of the person you’re- the one who is constantly changing her plans around for him. That’s the girl he fell in love with. Take back control. And if he still doesn’t respond, kick his ass to the kerb babe.”
Jinal Bhatt, Associate Editor: “Katt lo, behen! It seems like you’ve become a chore to your boyfriend, which does grant him sex occasionally but is too much work for those fleeting moments of pleasure. I could tell you to sit him down and talk to him but you’re going to get the standard customer service type reply—have you tried switching your feelings off and on again? There are oft times when the spark fizzles out in a relationship and you need to make efforts to rekindle it. But considering you’ve only been dating him for a year, of which he treated you well for about six months, I’m going to take a wild guess and say, it’s too early for that fizzle too! What do your friends think about this? A third person who’s seen your relationship dynamic could probably give you a better idea if it really is you, like he says, who isn’t understanding or he’s the one with the problem.
I could be wrong, and you’re of course free to try all saam-daam-dand-bhed to restore his factory settings to the caring, empathetic guy who courted you. But if it doesn’t work, you run, girl, and don’t let him gaslight you into thinking your instincts are wrong. If he doesn’t put in the effort, then dump him.”
Sadhika Sehgal, Trending Head: “I think actions speak louder than words. It so happens that most of the time people are showing us who they really are, but we refuse to take a hint. And this might be one of those times. You, or any woman for that matter, deserves to be with someone who treats them like a priority and not an option. Who values you, your tastes, your time, your preferences. And if he can’t as much as do the bare minimum of staying in touch, making you feel loved or cared for, then it isn’t really worth it.”
Mitali Shah, Lifestyle Writer: “People often ask what the secret to a successful relationship is. If you ask me it’s putting in the same level of effort you did during the initial stages, even after years of being together. If your boyfriend isn’t doing that and isn’t willing to learn and listen then I am afraid it might be time to call it quits. It’s not easy but a relationship like the one you’ve described is practically toxic. Everything shouldn’t work according to his convenience. It’s a two-way street. So yeah, if you’ve given him chance after chance to give you the importance and attention you deserve and he still doesn’t get it, I recommend you break up with him, and then maybe you’ll find someone who is actually right for you.”
Akanksha Narang, Features Head: “I understand that any man you date will not be perfect nor will he understand your needs instantly. But a person who is interested in maintaining a relationship with you, and who values you will put the effort into identifying and fulfilling your needs. It’s not like you asked him for the moon and the stars. But if you have to fight for being treated with basic compassion and empathy, it’s not worth the fight. Sit him down and have a chat. Since you’ve stuck around for so long, maybe you can give him that last opportunity to fix things. If he does, good for him. If he doesn’t, you will find it easier to move on. If that last discussion has already happened, and he still isn’t afraid of losing you, say goodbye. He may suddenly realise his mistakes after you stop giving two hoots but if he cares so much for his own pain, why didn’t he care for yours? Find a boyfriend who isn’t a narcissist.”