BaeWatch: “My Boyfriend Comes Before I Orgasm And It’s Annoying Me.”
Did you know not orgasming is one of the top three libido-killers for women? And I can vouch for that. Nothing turns me off like a guy who is content with his climax and didn’t bother about mine. I hate men who act like just doing a bare minimum to a woman is enough and then go on to not even make us come. Then there is a special place reserved in hell for men who will actually make you super hot and horny, only to blatantly ignoring your need for orgasms.
We’ve all been there, with a guy who won’t make you orgasm. There are guys who are just clueless and will happily learn when you teach them. Then there are guys who’d not care even after you’ve spoken in clear words that they didn’t make you come. These are essentially bad partners even outside the bed.
So when a woman wrote to us talking about orgasm troubles, we were like damn, you’re one of us! Team Hauterfly, a bunch of sassy women who know their right to orgasm very well, got down to business as we decided to guide her to sexual enlightenment.
“My partner and I share good physical chemistry. The kisses are amazing and so is the foreplay. Okay, I could get more of the foreplay but it’s still nice. However, whenever we are having sex, he comes before I do. We’ve done it hardly a few times but I have never orgasmed. How do I tell him that sex doesn’t make me come and so fast? I don’t want to break his confidence either.”
Team Hauterfly thinks…
Mansi Shah, Managing Editor: “It’s time to sit down with him and have a chat. Sex isn’t a one-way street where he gets to come and you are left high and wet. He’s invested in you because you’ve foreplay and that’s a great start. From here, you want to talk to him about what feels good, feels sexy, and what gives you orgasms. It shouldn’t break his confidence because he loves you and orgasms are meant for everyone. Orgasms should be spread around like confetti. So you can gently probe the topic when you’re just sitting and cuddling and without sounding like you’re blaming him, bring it up. Discuss how you could make it better, together. And say that you want your orgasm. I am sure he’s going to be willing to oblige. It shouldn’t be confidence-shattering but you certainly should talk about it…”
Jinal Bhatt, Associate Editor: “Welcome to the Sisterhood of the Elusive Orgasm! This is a club we hope finds as few members as possible. And so, we’ve got some advice that, fingers crossed, keeps you from being a member for life. I’m sorry to break it to you, but no matter how you put it across to him, your guy is going to get a wee bit hurt at first. It’s natural; sex is such an intimate act where we’re all bare naked, our vulnerabilities and insecurities out in the open, hoping the other person still finds us desirable after looking at it all. And it’s precisely why you need to be honest about how it makes you feel, or not feel. But make it feedback and not criticism. Equal parts appreciation and suggestion, because if the roles were reversed, isn’t that what you’d expect?
Men have been bombarded with so many stimuli that convince them that the world revolves around male pleasure, it’s hard for them to see the other side. You show him. Take a ‘solo trip’ to find out what gives you pleasure, and then when you’re together, you lead him. Maybe it’ll turn him!”
Sadhika Sehgal, Trending Head: “I think that being honest in a relationship goes a long way. Most times, in a way to protect the other person from feeling bad, we end up suffocating ourselves in the relationship, feeling a sense of resentment build up. Have an honest discussion with your partner, speak from a way of encouraging and not discouraging. Talk more about what could work for you instead of what hasn’t.”
Mitali Shah, Lifestyle Writer: “This is actually a very common problem. If you’ll have only done it a few times both of you’ll need more time to find the rhythm. Give it some time. Even after that if he can’t satisfy you maybe start the conversation by telling him you need more foreplay and all the things that turn you on and the things that don’t. The conversation needs to build from here. This is a very essential conversation to have early on in the relationship and unless you use an accusatory tone, it won’t shake his confidence. Start giving him small instructions for a while until he can find his pace and all your erogenous zones. But don’t spoon-feed him. It’s a two-way street, he doesn’t get to be selfish in bed. If nothing works, girl, send him a bunch of porn links. Maybe watch some with him.”
Chingsanghoih Guite, Graphic Designer: “I think having a real conversation is the key here. You may want to have an honest discussion about it. Be considerate and ask him first if he is open to talking about your sex life. Make sure to be honest about your feelings but don’t get cocky otherwise, it might end up hurting him and pushing him into a defensive mode. Just remember: Do not criticize, only explain. Also, make sure to ask him what he likes. Have an open mind and let him share his desires too. That way you will make him like you’re not just worried about your satisfaction.”
Sama Meerza, Social Media Executive: “I think she should really sit him down and speak to him in the nicest way possible. Of course, you don’t want to bring his confidence down but you shouldn’t sacrifice your orgasm either. And I believe it’s best to let these things out instead of collecting in until one day it bursts and makes things ugly. Trust, loyalty and communication are a few of the important pillars of a relationship. Maybe he will appreciate the honesty, maybe he won’t. And if it’s the latter then girl drop that boy. He’s a red flag waiting for things to go south.”
ALSO READ: Study Says Sex Is More Important To Men’s Happiness Than Women’s. This Mindset Is Why Women’s Orgasms Take A Backseat
Akanksha Narang (me!), Features Head: “Been there, done that. I bet it’s frustrating to see your man take a deep breath in pleasure after he comes and has that look of unadulterated bliss on his while you are trying to hide your resentment. The first time, you think maybe your turn will come, except it doesn’t and neither do you! Then the next time you are still hoping your orgasm is around the corner but there he goes, coming once again before you do. So when you are cuddling post-coitus, take the initiative to sex it up, implying that you need a round two. Tell him you didn’t orgasm yet (well, if you did, he’d know!) and ask him if he’d like to give you some. Only a jerk would say no. Then go on to guide him on how to make you come. If penetration doesn’t do the trick, show him what does. And the next time you guys are getting it on, tell him you’d like to come first. It’s sexy when someone knows what they want and says it.”
Honestly, you really shouldn’t be fighting for your orgasms. This much should do to help him understand things. If it doesn’t, and if I were you, I’d not make him orgasm until I do. This while I think about why he is such a selfish ass.”
Baewatch is Hauterfly’s weekly service to womxn everywhere. We are giving no-holds-barred, funny, interesting answers to your relationship problems. We’re not experts so you may end up married or broken up. It could go either way. *shrugs*