BaeWatch: “He Is Nice But We Lack Sexual Chemistry. Is It A Dealbreaker?

BaeWatch: “He Is Nice But We Lack Sexual Chemistry. Is It A Dealbreaker?

I believe in our culture, sexual desire is almost perceived to be a sin and if it becomes the cause of any of your actions, then you may be looked down upon. Like what do you mean you want sex? You are not married so you must not want it and not pursue it, even in your dreams. Your intentions are not “pure” if you are on a dating app, looking for something casual. You must be on Shaadi.com instead and look for a groom. If we follow this mindset, we should not even bother about sexual chemistry because our culture likes to portray sex as an act for only reproduction.

It is quite obvious that we feel a sense of guilt and shame on a subconscious level when we place sex higher than our culture would like it to be. What do we do when a guy is great but we have no sexual chemistry? Or the sex is simply just bad. Do you know just how many couples are leading sexless lives and not by choice?

I am a part of a couple of Facebook groups with lots of women and despite what society feeds us about sex, it’s pretty obvious that sex and sexual chemistry and a pretty important parameter for women as well. There is also the thing about desirability. You want to feel sexy and wanted and when your partner isn’t in sync with that, it could get pretty frustrating.

Sustaining a relationship without emotional intimacy is difficult, isn’t it? Sexual intimacy matters in varying strength from person to person. So when someone wrote to us while in a dilemma about a similar situation, team Hauterfly decided to help a sis out.

 “I have been seeing this guy, who seems to be really nice. He is chivalrous and kind. We enjoy each other’s company but it seems like the sexual tension is missing between us. We’ve kissed and made out but it was quite thanda, short-lived and uncomfortable. Should I pursue this and wait for our sexual chemistry to get better? Or am I too shallow to walk away from a good guy because of this? PS: Sex is quite important for me.”

Team Hauterfly thinks…

Mansi Shah, Managing Editor: “There’s no denying that crackling sexual chemistry can make a relationship seem sweeter than it is. However, sex isn’t the only thing in the relationship. And you’re right, sex should be important but should you walk away? Hmmm. Let’s see, if every other aspect checks out—he’s warm, funny and respectful—maybe then channel your inner sex goddess and seduce him for a hot and heavy session in the sack. That being said, when you’re constantly turned down, it could make you feel less desired and rejected and that could affect your confidence. Give it a couple of more months and if it’s still like getting in bed with an ice pack, grab your clothes and get out of there. You might also want to consider the fact that the person is asexual but isn’t aware of the concept or hasn’t introspected enough to know it.”

Jinal Bhatt, Associate Editor: “It’s a very valid apprehension, and ignore anyone who tells you otherwise. It’s hard for most people to accept that sex and chemistry are important and play a huge role in keeping a relationship solid. I’ve often found that I get insanely attracted to men once they’ve, for lack of a better phrase, “bared their soul to me” in some way. Have you guys been intimate emotionally? Or done any big gestures for each other? Maybe, you’re both still holding back and inhibitions are keeping you from getting your sexy on? You could try spicing it up with flirting or sexting or doing something fun that loosens you both up a bit. I say, if he’s a good guy, you gotta exhaust all tricks in the book before you pass on him!”

Sadhika Sehgal, Trending Head: “I think if you give something time, you are bound to awaken that intimacy and chemistry with a partner. We are so used to first connecting sexually and then moving on to an emotional aspect, that the other way round throws us off. I think a little time fixes most things. And if not, then at least walking away wouldn’t come with a feeling or regret or shallowness…”

Anjali Agarwal, fashion & Beauty Writer: “Sexual spark is as important in a relationship as emotional stability and you won’t be shallow to let go of someone if they can’t get your accelerator going. Is there a chance that you are not feeling the heat because you are not physically attracted to him? Then you can give it some time and see if the sparks fly. You could also try guiding him along and dropping some hints because there’s a possibility that he’s just a noob or oblivious to what turns you on. If all fails, I suggest jump the ship before it ends up hurting either one of you. He could be a great guy but unless there’s attraction and sexual chemistry between you two, it isn’t going to work in the long term.”

Chingsanghioh Guite, Graphic Designer: “Anything new can be uncomfortable at first. You just give it some time for both of you to find your comfort level when it comes to sex. I guess just go with the flow and if you still aren’t satisfied, you could think of ending things then. Sure, sexual compatibility is important but giving a chance to a nice guy that you really like won’t hurt either.”

ALSO READ: BaeWatch: “How Do I Tell My Bf I Don’t Want To Hang Out With His Friends?”

Akanksha Narang (me!), Features Head: “There’s a difference between sexual tension and sexual compatibility. In my experience, sexual tension (or “spark”) doesn’t take time to present itself. Right in the start, you understand if there is that sexual pull between you. It doesn’t matter whether you are doing it or holding back. Have you not watched how lustily Shahid Kapoor and Amrita Rao behaved with each other in Vivah even though they did nothing at all? Our bodies know before we do. Give it some time but meanwhile, take it slow emotionally as well. You don’t want to get too attached and then realise that he feels more like a friend. Maybe you want to like him because he is this amazing guy but in reality, you aren’t attracted to him. Don’t waste too much time on it though. There will be guys who will be nice and also thrill you even with a cheek kiss!”

Team Hauterfly largely thinks that giving him a chance might be a good idea. If over time, it still looks like he isn’t into it, you could jump ship but good, nice guys are hard to come by and so this might be worth a whirl.

Baewatch is Hauterfly’s weekly service to womxn everywhere. We are giving no-holds-barred, funny, interesting answers to your relationship problems. We’re not experts so you may end up married or broken up. It could go either way. *shrugs*

ALSO READ: BaeWatch: “He Isn’t Ready For A Relationship. Should I Wait Or Walk Away?”

Akanksha Narang

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