BaeWatch: “He Becomes Distant After Sex. Is He Just Looking For Something Casual?”
Casual sex seems like a promising investment scheme to me, which has ‘subject to market risks’ mentioned in fine print somewhere. The deal appears to be too good, right? Orgasms, fun dates, cuddles – all this sans the emotional drama, the breakup hurt. Is it even real? It sounds as real as Phir Hera Pheri’s 25 din mein paisa double scheme. There’s got to be some drama, damage – whether you get emotionally involved or not. Nobody likes it when your sexual partner becomes distant after sex. Sexual desire is a feeling and it cannot be isolated from other feelings.
Even if you try to keep it casual, the sex may or may not make you feel good about yourself. You may or may not feel objectified. You may or may not feel sexually empowered. It can go either way. Having said that, to achieve positive effects from our romantic interactions, it’s important to be on the same page as the other person. Else aren’t we just setting ourselves up for disappointment?
Unfortunately, people are not as transparent about their feelings as they should be. The worse thing about dating is mind games. So when a woman wrote to us feeling confused about her guy’s post-sex behaviour, team Hauterfly decided to help her out.
“I have been seeing this guy and really enjoy his company. The thing is, we are not in a relationship yet but we’ve been going out on dates that almost every time end up in us canoodling in his house. He is very affectionate but the moment the sex is done and dusted, he disconnects. He goes on to check his phone, and sleep. After that, again, for a few days he barely texts me until it’s time to meet again. Why does he become distant after sex? This is a pattern that seems very confusing to me, and honestly, makes me feel used. Does he just want sex? How do I bring this up without sounding like I am the crazy one here?”
Team Hauterfly thinks…
Mansi Shah, Managing Editor: “Erm…okay, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but girl, he’s in it for the sex. You are a booty call and I think you kind of know it too but this set up might be too comfortable or convenient for you to get out of also. If you can move emotions out of the equation (you will have to really work on this because I sense that you’re catching feelings) then this might be good for the orgasms. But remember to expect nothing more. Actually, his behaviour is pretty telling but I guess you just need someone else to tell you this. You might not want to bring this up with him at all. From what he’s signalling, he’s not looking for a relationship, so best leave it a hookup. You wanting to “talk” about it might mean he’s going to bolt and might take this good sex with him.”
Akanksha Narang, Features Head: “Science will tell you that men become distant after sex because they experience a drop in their testosterone – which drives both sexual desire and affection. Also, it says that oxytocin makes one sleepy, which is why he’d like to dose off after a sexy time with you. Men are not babies, they can resist sleep for something that’s important (he did it for sex!), that is if sharing a few moments of bliss means anything to him. Having said that, even if you try to justify his post-coitus behaviour, there’s no way to explain him not being interested in communicating with you, until it’s time to get into your pants again. Do you see the pattern here? You know it too. He enjoys your company, especially in bed. But there is nothing more to it.
In today’s time and age, where commitment is a luxury, it’s better to define your relationship’s direction right in the start. Is he looking for a hookup? Do you want the same? Keep it all on the table and decide what you want, not on the basis of what you hope to happen, but what the current status is. Prioritise yourself. This guy seems like a submarine affair to me, surfacing every now and then, having great sex and going back in the deep Dead Sea.”
Anjali Agarwal, Fashion & Beauty Writer: “Seems to me he just wants the things to be casual and physical between you two. IMO, if that’s not what you want, you need to be upfront with him about how you feel. Don’t fret about coming across as needy. Putting forward what you need from your partner isn’t crazy. If he makes you feel that way for bringing this up, you’ve got your answer-he is only using you and doesn’t care about what you want. Jump this ship and look for someone who is emotionally invested in you, doesn’t keep you in the dark and definitely doesn’t spend the time scrolling his phone screen when you are next to him. You deserve no less.”
Sama Meerza, Social Media Executive: “That’s a big red flag right there. You still have time to save yourself from this guy. He screams trouble to me. It’s sweet that he is affectionate but once you are in a relationship maybe that may vanish too. Becoming distant after sex may seem like no big deal to him, but it makes the other person feel terrible. Don’t date him hoping that one fine day he will be a changed man. This is not a movie. This is real life. Unless you are looking to hookup and not a serious relationship, give this one a miss! But if you are an emotional wreck then stay away from him. Tell him how you feel and walk away from this bad news.”
Chingsanghoih Guite, Graphic Designer: “I think these are the red flags you shouldn’t ignore. If he is only into the sex and not into you otherwise, it’s a clear sign that he is not that into you. If you constantly feel used maybe you should keep aside your feelings for him and really think about his actions. You could also try talking to him about it and ask him to be honest about his feelings. If you still think he is just using you then maybe he is just not worth it.”
Meanwhile, check out the signs that say he is being nice just to get into your pants. Becoming distant after sex could be one of them!
Baewatch is Hauterfly’s weekly service to womxn everywhere. We are giving no-holds-barred, funny, interesting answers to your relationship problems. We’re not experts so you may end up married or broken up. It could go either way. *shrugs*