5 Signs The “Perfect Guy” You Met Is Just Soul-Mining You
It’s not those hideous, undateable men that I am afraid of. The red flags are so glaringly present even when they first talk to you, I at least, would not fall for them. A guy will hit on you at the club, casually throwing unsolicited information about how he is Virushka’s neighbour or how he has just come from the UK to expand his dad’s business. There will be guys who will offer to buy you a drink because apparently women will talk to shady men because we can’t afford our own alcohol. And then there desperate men who have no flirting game; even if a woman wants casual sex too, just due to the sheer lack of charm and manners whatsoever, she will refuse to do him. The men I fear meeting in the dating market are those who seem so incredibly nice, you almost don’t realise that you’re becoming a victim of soul-mining.
What is soul-mining? Oh no, it’s not one of those sweet things when someone is so interested in you, they want to dive deeper and get to know your very soul. It’s not about someone genuinely seeking a soul connection with you.
It is more sinister than you think it is. “Soulmining is when someone tries to cram months of emotional intimacy into the first few dates, following it up with a good ghosting. Think of it as moving too fast, on steroids – an emotional one night stand, if you will,” explains Emily Jol in She Said.
You may not necessarily be ghosted but there’s a major possibility that the soul-miner will stop giving two hoots about you. In fact, you will just end up being a name on the list of people whose souls and hearts he collected in his big evil jar of sadistic pleasure.
Here are signs to watch out for to figure if you’re becoming a victim of soul-mining.
1. He goes out of his way to make you feel special
A guy I had just met started doing little favours I didn’t ask for. He’d drop by beers and all that, send me sweet little surprises. And I started to think he is really sweet. After our first date, I had a spring in my step as it felt like it was straight out of a movie. He is perfect, almost too perfect. Why is he doing such nice things for someone who he has just met?
Reality: He has an agenda. He wants you to like him – for a quick hookup or a long-term booty call. Maybe he is desperately seeking an emotional connection. But is his heart into you, specifically?
2. He wants to know way too much early on
You go out on a date with him and you’re excited because he is a good conversationalist; he is listening well, and getting to know you. He is sharing so much about himself too. But the conversation shifts from “which school you went to?” to “how is your relationship with your parents?” real quick. He wants to know you, but isn’t it too much for someone who is that new?
Reality: He is rushing emotional intimacy. He wants to fit in six months of intimacy in 60 mins so everything else could be fast-forwarded too. If it feels too much too soon, it is soul-mining!
3. They will talk about how you both connect so well
Your dates have been well, except for the few uncomfortable moments in which you felt emotionally exhausted because you signed up for a night of pasta, not digging up the past. But you convinced yourself it was needed and normal. And here is, mesmerised by you and tell you just how much you mean to him. He even goes on to vouch that you like him too. And you’re just like, “No bro!” but he is in denial.
Reality: He is emotionally manipulating you to believe that you guys have a soul connection when he is just here soul-mining. It takes time to really develop a connection. And what’s with him making you believe you are in it as well? Listen to your gut.
4. You feel like you really know each other well
You know the name of his high school best friend, his fav beer and his pet peeves. At any given point of time, you can tell what he’d be upto. He knows all these little quirks you have, your ambitions, your memories, and more. You must really know each other by now.
Reality: Do you know he is giving you the boyfriend experience without being a boyfriend? Do you know he took no time to act like he is in love with you? Do you know he’ll stop giving a fuck soon? Well.
5. He starts getting way too busy for you
Suddenly all that “connection” is out of the window. He is getting busier by the day and you realise you are the only one putting all the effort to keep up with him. It’s just a phase you think. But there he goes, forgetting you existed. What happened to all those nights of talking? What happened to the dates wherein he promised you seem like the one?
Reality: The whirlwind emotional connection settles, the storm has passed. He got the high he was looking for and you became a victim of soul-mining.