Throwback Thursday: Really Honest Summaries Of Bollywood Movies By A 90s Child
I have been consuming content on Netflix in languages that I don’t or barely understand. Of course, subtitles are the life-savers here. The Mess We Leave Behind (TMWLB) is a Spanish thriller, Sleepless Society: Bedtime Stories is a Thai thriller and Love Ni Bhawai a Gujarati rom-com. I loved TMWLB and fell in love with the lead over a period of time. The way it unfolded every character, without judgement of their flaws was mindblowing. I am still watching Bedtime Stories and liking it so far. I am so thankful for the spread of content that we millennials have today and how it has opened us to cultures across the world. But while growing up in the 90s, we only had access to Bollywood movies that didn’t offer much in terms of logic, reasoning or women empowerment. At least, most did not.
Bollywood has come a long way and today we have movies that are women-oriented or at least not sexist. But I still am guilty of enjoying the good ol’ movies when these come on TV. We know Kuch Kuch Hota Hai wasn’t quite right but it was entertaining. Hum Saath Saath Hai was brimming with patriarchal values and promotion of abstinence but, oh boy, did it make us laugh?
So as a millennial with one foot in nostalgia and another in modern logic, I penned down really honest summaries of Bollywood movies that the directors failed to tell. Here you go!
Honest Summaries of 90s Bollywood Movies!
Maine Pyar Kiya
Privileged boy falls for an impoverished but sanskaari girl. How do we know she is sanskaari? Kyuki woh matar chheel sakti hai. Rich vs Poor squabbles happen and the foreign-return boy takes on odd jobs to prove that he can make the monies. It’s like watching the women in Fabulous Lives Of Bollywood Wives take on beach cleaning. The pigeon has more IQ than most characters combined.
Dilwale Dulhania Le Jaayenge
Boy and girl meet on a Europe tour. He touches her without consent on the train journey and plays with her bra. Boom! Since she has such a thing for bad boys, they are canoodling in sarson ke khet, she is keeping a Karwa Chauth fast for him as he tries to stop her marriage to a Punjabi munda her father picked for her. How does he do that? By bonding with his future sasur over feeding pigeons. Aao, aao, aao….
Biwi No. 1
He has a beautiful, saree-clad wife, two kids and a mother. But the tharki that he is, he develops the hots for a model. Now the wife must win this lottery of a husband back because who doesn’t want such an amazing guy who abandons his family for another woman?
Enough screen time was spent on a man and a woman with their horny-but-shy faces on as they are anticipating all the sexy time that will happen post their arranged marriage. A fire accident later, the woman’s entire body is scarred, except her face, which remains magically untouched. Will that change things?
Hum Saath Saath Hai
Three brothers treat their parents like Gods, but suck majorly at romance. The oldest bahu takes the entire family on her honeymoon to Rampur. The second brother has barely ever spoken to his to-be-wife. And the third one only dreams of his dreamgirl. Does no one have a sex drive here? Thank God, they are rich! Why do Bollywood movies believe sex and sanskaars are two mutually exclusive sets?
ALSO READ: Throwback Thursday: Hum Saath Saath Hain Is About Women With Too Much Sanskaar And No Sexual Desires. They Take The Entire Fam On Their Honeymoon, FFS
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Girl likes a fuckboi whose idea of style is suffocatingly tight tees and horrifying sunglasses. But the boy lampzones his bestie and goes cuckoo behind the new girl, because she flaunts them sexy legs. Years later, his daughter must unite the fuckboi with this girl because he is now widowed and needs someone to remind him to put his pants on before leaving home.
Dumbfuck wannabe stud manipulates good girl who likes him into become his girlfriend just so he can go on a lame trip with other wannabe studs. Once there, he tries to kiss her forcibly and then humiliates her. He goes on to date another woman but when his ex-girlfriend is getting friendly with another man, uski jal jaati hai. Wow, such an appealing man to be head-over-heels in love with. What standards Bollywood has set for us?
A college principal has sworn that he will never let the students in his Gurukul get any action. Meanwhile, a music teacher with no qualification per se enters the school and ensures he risks the future of his students for his personal vendetta. Oh, and he sees the ghost of his dead girlfriend.
90s Bollywood movies are a gift that keep on entertaining, don’t they?