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Jabariya Jodi’s Budget Got Squandered On Parineeti Chopra’s Eyeliner And There Was None Left For A Story

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So, yesterday, I watched Jabariya Jodi. Please, everyone sit down. There’s no need for a standing ovation and all. Just think of it as something I took for the team and for the greater good of mankind. No please, keep the awards, I am okay to just have done this kind of service for you guys. Anyway, before we get into how it was can we please discuss the ridiculous prices of popcorn at cinemas? I paid Rs.540 for a tub of mixed flavoured popcorn and coke. I have paid less for full-blown dinners. Sometimes, I really question my choices.

Anyway, right off the bat, let me tell you that the movie isn’t entirely terrible. It has jokes and a few punchlines which keep you in your seat for a while. So, if you don’t know, Parineeti Chopra, blue/green eyeliners and Sidharth Malhotra star in this movie that is about groom kidnapping in Bihar. On paper, it sounds like a good idea. But that’s the thing, they tried to make a movie out of it and in the entire crew, no one thought that they would need a story to tie together the various scenes.

Parineeti Chopra is a fiery, irreverent character. We are told this in many ways – she beats up an ex boyfriend with a pan, she has red highlights and lowlights in her hair, she wear blue eyeliner and she drinks. Which really, at this point, is the standard formula to lay it on thick that this character has spunk. We get it, Bollywood. We really do. There is a boy she ignores who is madly in love with her. Because why not? This is played by Aparshakti Khurana and is called Balbir.

Sidharth Malhotra is a guy. Yes, for the first half an hour in the film, the movie tells you nothing about his character. Except that he’s probably made his shirts from the mandap decorations at a wedding. You don’t know why he listens to his father, why he forces grooms to marry without dowry, nothing. He has political aspirations we are told.

In case you thought the movie had no depth, turns out, these guys have been friends since childhood. Whattey wow. So, when they bump into each other at a wedding, Parineeti is making googly eyes at him, he’s ignoring her for no good reason and the eyeliner is there, up, close and central. Then, they get a moment alone and some sort of chemistry happens but Sidharth leaves quickly so I imagine it’s the smell of the sulphur that caused his hasty exit.

Now, in this movie, every character likes to walk in slow motion towards the camera. And they do this so many times, you seriously start to consider if you’d be able to pull off a slow slide down your seat and towards the exit. But because I am dedicated, I power through.

At some point, Sanjay Mishra who is done with Parineeti’s antics and is her father in the movie, decides the get her married off to a guy. Parineeti has already sung a song, had sex and expressed undying love for Sidharth by now. There’s some confusion, she thinks she’s marrying Sidharth but is actually marrying the other dude her father has chosen. Also, the other dude is going to be forced into the wedding because his fam asked for dowry. If you’re confused, well, so was I, so please.

Things don’t as per plan, we gathered. Sidharth’s father, played by Javed Jafferi, has accepted money for make this jabariya wedding of Parineeti with other dude happen but he (Javed Jafferi, not other dude) has to back out due to politics. Sidharth has to go return the money and that’s when kept-in-the-dark-till-now Parineeti realises 3 things – that she was never marrying Sidharth, that this was going to be a jabariya wedding and that the eyeliner has put in more effort to emote than her.

Interval happens but I keep sitting there because I have no money left from my earlier luxurious and indulgent purchase of popcorn.

All hell breaks loose post-interval. First, Parineeti and eyeliner are feeling slighted, so she and her friends hatch a plan to abduct Sidharth. This is followed by a painfully unfunny sequence. He’s drugged and then Parineeti half-marries him. As in she takes 6 pheras. No, no one knows why. Then, Sidharth kinda sorta abducts Parineeti. I say kinda sorta because she and eyeliner set off with him without a fight. A song about love chimes in.

Now, Sidharth, because he has political aspirations, doesn’t want to marry Parineeti and wants her to tie the knot with other-dude-her-father-had-chosen. Another painfully unfunny sequence follows and no one gets married. And then it escalates quickly from no one walking down the altar to both of them racing to the mandap but not to marry each other. Remember the completely-wasted-in-this-role Aparshakti Khurana? Yeah, Parineeti will settle down with and for him. Sidharth agrees to marry some rando his father has chosen.

One convoluted sequence with marriage, mandaps (seriously why is no one upset with the many unused mandaps in this movie?) Parineeti and Sidharth are together. On the other hand, we are intellectually and eyeliner-y bankrupt.

If you did a TL;DR on this, let me give you the gist. Parineeti wear eyeliner – green or blue. Sidharth Malhotra wears shirts that can hurt your eyes. There were zero attempts made to make a coherent storyline, do any sort of acting, or be subtle about the branding. At one point, someone in the middle of rishta meeting is offered a Gas-O-Fast. I kid you not. A lot of people, several times, walk in slow mo towards the camera and there’s nothing to see. I want a refund on my popcorn.

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Mansi Shah is the resident humour writer and random conversation starter. Tends to laugh manically at puns. Deeply enjoys the blunt force of sarcasm. Preys on chauvinists and people with incorrect grammar. Hoards makeup and beauty products. Attacks Nutella with vigour.

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