5 Expectations We All Have From Holi Thanks To Bollywood. The Reality Is So Different. First Of All, No One Wears White
Like most festivals, Holi too comes with a lot of social pressure. At least during Diwali nobody forces you to burst crackers but during Holi, your friends and relatives will barge into your room and apply colour on your face. It’s not easy to escape this one. It’s not like I hate playing Holi. It really depends on my mood and the vibe and of course the quality of colours. Unless those are organic, ain’t no shitty colour is going on my face. But my question is, since when did people become so adamant about including every person in their Holi shenanigans? Only if people were so inclusive otherwise. It seems like a festival extroverts created to hunt the introverts out from their shells. Why? Because somehow Bollywood made us believe that everything about Holi is like a romantic slo-mo shot, bursting with vivid colours and playful teasing.
We grew up watching movies that would show the hero and heroine making it look like Holi is the predecessor to dating apps. Like it’s an excuse to flirt without your parents throwing a chappal at you, especially in smaller towns. But you don’t need to play Holi every year to figure that we’ve been lied to. Bollywood has given us expectations that don’t match our reality. Here’s what really happens. Tell me if I’m wrong!
Nobody dresses in white
Firstly, nobody dresses so fancy; we literally turn up in the oldest rags. Secondly, nobody wears white unless they are Bollywood fanatics who don’t give a shit about their clothes going translucent when drenched. If I have a nice white kurti, why would I waste it in a colour fight?
People don’t just break into a choreographed group dance
Be it Balam Pichhkaari from YJHD or Soni Soni from Mohabbatein, I just can’t figure how people break into a dance with steps that match. I mean, are there rehearsals being held somewhere that we are not aware of? In real life, if you have a dance session at all, people are just looking like a bunch of zombies trying to catch themselves a prey.
We don’t look even remotely sexy
In Bollywood movies, they show all these actresses with colour applied strategically on their cheeks and neck while they groove to the music in perfect designer clothes. We on the other hand look like beached whales. Really, there’s nothing sexy about looking like a drenched crow in very stark shares of purple.
Most of our Holi is spent refilling water in our pichkaaris
In the movies, pichhkaaris seem to have like an unlimited supply of water and buckets of water magically appear from all sides. In reality, we stand in queues with annoying children who hog the water pump in the building. Yes, most of our Holi session is spent doing that unless you decide to fuck that shit and just have bhaang.
Bollywood will have you think that it’s a romantic affair but…
If you’re expecting a hot dude to come and seductively apply colour on your cheek, then get your mind out of your Bollywood bubble. In real life, your face will be smeared with colour before you can even blink and it will not be just gulaal. Expect a mix of hues that will eventually just leave you looking like someone painted with shit on a canvas.