I Broke Up Because My Relationship Was Good, Not Great. Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Settle For A Relationship That Doesn’t Excite You
The line between being content with what you have and settling for less, is a very fine one. Which is probably why, we fail to see what we are exactly doing in our lives. Somehow, and especially in today’s dating scene, we end up filling ourselves with self-doubt. Until recently, I have wondered if I expect too much or if my expectations come from fantasy and not reality. But then I realised that I can’t be with someone who loves me with half of his heart, even if that person whose half heart I have is John Mayer himself.
In fact, I feel that bad relationships are easier to understand than relationships which are average. When he is mean to you, it’s kinda obvious that he sucks and you deserve better. But what happens when you cannot find anything wrong with your relationship, except that it doesn’t give you butterflies?
When I was in such a relationship, I was doing okay. I lived the average life with an average relationship, not knowing if there was anything that’s better. I was just quite smitten by how committed he was and how he was almost perfect, until I realised he was a bit too perfect. It’s not like I am attracted to emotional wrecks but a little vulnerability doesn’t hurt. I like people who feel passionately and are okay with being vulnerable. I like people who need warmth and emotional support, at least from their partner. And here he was, indifferent to most things in life, including my love. He wasn’t mean to me. But he never connected with my soul either. He looked at me with love but he didn’t stare deep into my eyes, with emotions rushing to his head. For someone looking in, it sounds like I was just being too high maintenance, but I really wasn’t. It kept me interested but it didn’t excite me.
So what do we do? Do we settle for a love that doesn’t shine through the cracks in us? I know several women who are in average relationships because they have given up on the concept of passionate love. They think it’s a concept sold to us by Bollywood. I will not deny that it’s rare to find passion and stability in one relationship. But at this point, I want to really try. Here’s how an average relationship feels like and if you feel the same way, maybe it’s time for you to introspect.
You’re not unhappy but you’re not exhilarated either
For the longest time, I failed to realise this. But people closest to me did. While they did feel that I was calm, they sensed I wasn’t happy, at least not how I used to be when madly in love. But I realised that I settled for peace but at the cost of exhilaration.
You tell yourselves that all-consuming love is a myth
But maybe we are just afraid to get our hearts broken again. Maybe there are so many lukewarm relationships around us, we begin to believe that this is how it’s supposed to be. Either ways, most of us have lost faith in passionate love. I don’t know if I can get that, but I would at least like to try.
A few months feel like years
When you get into a relationship, you are in the honeymoon phase for the initial few months. But in a lukewarm relationship, that phase just doesn’t arrive. You think with time your connection will grow but it just feels like you’ve been married for 30 years when you’ve been dating just for a few months. That can’t be good!
You lose touch with your self and things you truly enjoy
One of the reasons that your relationship is nothing but average is that you both are fundamentally quite different. So there you are, being in sync with him and letting go of your wild self because he is not as wild as you. But for how long? You’re not having fun and this relationship is doing nothing but killing your spark.
Everything is fine but it really is not
When someone asks you how is it going with them you say it’s all good because essentially there’s nothing wrong. But when it’s really going amazing, you have so much to talk about. You can’t stop gushing about how they make you feel. So if it’s not that way, how is everything…fine?
You think about what it would’ve been like with someone else
When it starts sinking in that you’re not getting to be who you are and doing things you truly enjoy, you begin to question your choice. I won’t deny that the thought ‘Would I be better off with someone else?’, someone who made me shiver with a single touch or thrill me with a forehead kiss, didn’t cross my mind.
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You procrastinate till you can’t take it anymore
Yet, you don’t know if you should give up on this seemingly decent relationship. You don’t know if it will get better or if there’s anything better out there. You don’t even know if you’re being unreasonable. You’re not; fuck that self-doubt. If it makes you feel a void even when you have a partner, this is not the relationship for you. And at some point, you will either have to communicate and fix it or ditch it.