I Am Single Not Because I Don’t Want Love But Because I Have Been Disappointed Too Many Times
When I was 13, most girls in my school were crushing on boys while I didn’t even know what that means. I was in an all-girls school and I was quite the naïve child, who would rather play carom than talk about boys. Eventually, in college I dated for the first time but I didn’t say yes that easily. I was always protective of my heart and feelings and I didn’t want a fuckboi to hurt me. He was worth it but both of us were dumb and we didn’t last long.
I am 28 now and my dating history is way longer. I don’t know how to feel about that though. The thing is I love romance despite the damage my past relationships have done. However, I am scared of falling in love. I am scared of relationships that don’t last. And being single feels like being safe but maybe it’s really not. What do I know? I am as fucked up as you. But I know I am not single by choice. Here’s why I and several of us are actually single and we didn’t really choose this life.
1) I have tasted too many disappointments
Like most millennials, I spend a major chunk of my day scrolling through memes and quotes. And this one hit hard. It featured that dialogue from Raanjhanaa where he talks about how he would still say yes if she came back to him but he shrugs that thought off saying, “nahi ab saala mood nahi.” I really felt that. Relationships are disappointing. Even the guys I liked but didn’t date are disappointing. I invested so much honesty and love but when that backfires I feel like I need a break before I can be disappointed again.
2) My standards are higher now
When you’re in college, a dude with a Royal Enfield will be able to impress you. Then you grow up a little, stumble upon a guy with a guitar who flirtatiously dedicates a song to you and you’re floored. But when you’re 28, you know what’s attractive? Not a guy who holds the door open for you but who doesn’t feel like he’s less of a man when you take the check. A guy who doesn’t have commitment issues, doesn’t expect me to have hairless legs when you have sex and likes me even I am in my worn out pyjamas.
3) I have become more self-sufficient than ever
Thanks to my ex who was never there, I learnt to do things by myself. From watching movies, eating breakfast, getting a drink to orgasming, I can go solo! As much as that makes me go and hit heart on all those self-love posts on Instagram, I am still carrying all that independence in my purse and going home alone. So I don’t know if it’s helping me find love but it’s definitely making being single a less lonely experience.
4) Where is the real romance anyway?
I am so tired of all those half-hearted guys. They will look into your eyes, kiss you and hold you making you feel like you’re in one of the tearjerker romantic movies. But just as your mind begins to get clouded by a dust of fuckboiness, they will tell you how they are not looking for a relationship. And here I am, not being able to understand how they are so smooth when they feel nothing…
5) I want love but I am also scared
I want to be in love and find my happily ever after. I am not afraid of love; I am scared of falling for the wrong person. I have dated enough to know that love is not enough for a relationship to last. And I also know that I hate letting go of people I love. It’s just too much effort to go through the heartbreak, healing and all that. What’s worse is feeling stuck with someone who doesn’t vibe with me. Shit, I am probably becoming the commitment phobic guys I dated.