BaeWatch: “I Have A Boyfriend But I Am Also Attracted To Another Man.”
Deep down, I am scared of commitment. Actually, I am not scared of commitment, I am afraid of getting into a relationship that will turn out to be toxic and hurtful. Each time a guy begins to show a little more emotional involvement, I get petrified on a subconscious level, and try to find something that’s wrong with him, also unintentionally. But bring a commitment-phobic man and I am diving right in and wanting to make him my boyfriend. No, it’s not me living life on the edge. Apparently, people who are commitment-phobic tend to fall for other commitment-phobes because they know subconsciously it won’t work. So twisted, right?
Fidelity doesn’t come easy especially when you have so many temptations and access to hotties around. It’s like a period for a woman with PCOD and how she has to put effort – working out, eating the right things, de-stressing – just to get her cycle regulated. Or how a man puts an effort to wokefish you in the first six months of the relationship. Tough life.
It’s about putting an effort to ward off those temptations, maintaining focus, and getting to the root of what’s making you seek another person. But oh boy, at that moment, your mind tries several tricks to convince you that this is the right thing. There’s a little voice in your head telling you, “Take the leap, bitch. You DESERVE affection and attention. Your boyfriend is a dick anyway.” That’s not your inner voice, my love. That’s the sound of horniness killing logic.
It can be quite a dilemma being torn between two guys and trying to not get tempted to fall for another. So when a woman wrote to us describing her situation, team Hauterfly decided it’s time to help a sis out.
“I am 26 and my boyfriend is 31. We’ve been in a relationship for the past one and a half years. I hate to admit it but lately, I have started feeling attracted to a friend of mine. Like we get along well, we talk a lot and I enjoy his company. I confide in him and damn, there’s a lot of attraction there. I don’t want to throw it all away because of this temptation. But somehow, my relationship with him has been getting messy too. Is it because of my attraction to this other guy? Am I fucking it up? What should I do?”
Team Hauterfly thinks…
Mansi Shah, Managing Editor: “Oh honey, you’re messing it up. Big time. But if you are confiding in another guy, spending time with him, and noticing plenty of chemistry, clearly there is something this relationship is not giving you. We all get into a relationship and it’s sizzling chemistry and playful kisses, then as you get used to each other, a sort of comfort sets in, some might call it mundane. Boring, even. But it’s possible that it’s just that you have reached a point where you don’t need fireworks in the sack all the time but the bond is there with your boyfriend. At this point, temptation has sauntered in the form of this other guy. Of course, it’s all sexy and hot and you find yourself falling for him because you’re chasing the high of falling in love. Chances are, that once all the butterflies in your stomach settle down for the new guy, you don’t find him exciting also. Oh, and there is entirely a chance that you’re not monogamous by nature. Decisions, decisions.”
Jinal Bhatt, Associate Editor: “We all have certain expectations from our relationships, sometimes conscious, sometimes subconscious. In the latter case, until you’ve actually received it, you don’t even realise you wanted those things. Maybe being with this friend has made you realise what you truly value in a relationship? You’ve said your current one is messy. Have you tried talking about it to your boyfriend? Ask yourself, will you be happier if these issues were actively worked on and fixed? If somehow the chemistry gets rekindled? Relationships do require work as time passes, and it’s easy to fall for a shiny new toy that doesn’t require much elbow grease. But the simplest, most straightforward solution to your problem, I believe, is this quote for Johnny Depp: “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.”.”
Anjali Agarwal, Fashion & Beauty Writer: “Your situation reminds me of the song Bad Kind Of Butterflies by Camilla Cabello which means it is totally normal that you are developing a crush on another guy while still in a relationship. You need to figure if your primary relationship (with your boyfriend) is actually on the rocks or simply over the sweet honeymoon phase which is prompting you to find new excitement in this other guy. It could be a harmless crush, a distraction that will probably fade away with time. You can try working on the relationship before throwing it all away for a mere attraction. But, if you can’t seem to stop obsessing over him and decide to act upon your feelings, I’d say make sure your crush feels the same way about you before breaking it off with your guy or you will end up losing both of them.”
Chingsanghoih Guite, Graphic Designer: “Your relationship getting messy could actually be the result of this attraction if you’ve had a smooth sailing so far. But having feelings for two people at the same time could be exhausting for you. Just figure out what you really want first and decide for yourself. Think about your current relationship with your boyfriend without involving the other person in the equation. Communicate with your partner and if there is something wrong and break up if you can’t.”
Akanksha Narang (me!), Features Head: “Let me tell you, these guys seem all nice and sweet in the start but it’s not them, it’s their penis talking. All that attention this new guy is giving you is probably because you are just this attractive woman he knows. After a year of being in a relationship with him, he too will fail to notice the new haircut you got. We love the thrill of a new romance and all that temptation may be making you subconsciously resent your boyfriend more than you should. I mean, yeah, he can be annoying but he is not the human version of 2020. You want him to be the villain because it will justify your temptation. Another thing you can look at is to figure what exactly is missing in your relationship. Are you feeling deprived of love and affection? Do you feel insecure? Just to be sure of it, eliminate this new guy from your life. Or at least limit your interaction with him until you figure things out. Work on your relationship with your boyfriend and for it to have any effect, you need to avoid distractions. Like you have to avoid junk food for your diet to actually work. Maybe, you guys will find bliss again in your relationship. If you have real unsolvable issues with your boyfriend, you should be breaking up with him for yourself, not for another penis-owner who will also be a pain, eventually.”
Baewatch is Hauterfly’s weekly service to womxn everywhere. We are giving no-holds-barred, funny, interesting answers to your relationship problems. We’re not experts so you may end up married or broken up. It could go either way. *shrugs*