BaeWatch: “How Do I Convince My Husband To Move Out Of His Parents’ House?”
It’s completely okay to live with your in-laws after marriage. It’s also alright to live independently. I guess it’s a matter of preference. But sometimes I wonder if it’s really a matter of preference? Would anyone prefer to live with their husband’s parents if they have the choice and finances to live separately? Or is it that women have been pretending to be okay with it because otherwise we are deemed “ghar todne waali”?
Again, it’s okay to live with your husband’s or your parents’. You have more people to interact with, there are fun times and you both get help in running the house and more. But it’s also not wrong to be independent. Many of us feel very passionately about having our own little home and being the one in charge. It may or may not be possible for you to do things your way when living with your in-laws. Your MIL too is used to having things a certain way and she may not do it intentionally but yes that does make it a hindrance.
A woman wrote to us saying she really wants to move out with her husband but he is being adamant about staying. We think that’s a legit problem and one that needs to be looked at in-depth.
“My husband and I live with his parents. They are fine but I feel very restricted because my MIL runs the house her way. She is a bit dominating but usually it doesn’t bother me (or does it?) I want us to move out and build a life of our own where we both have more freedom to do things. I want my home to feel more personalised and how I like things to be. Plus, we can have more fun – like call friends over and have parties, have sex on the couch or steal kisses in the kitchen. I can’t help but crave that life. My husband on the other hand is in his comfort zone (living with his parents) and refuses to come out of it. Financially, it is feasible for us. What should I do?”
Team Hauterfly Thinks…
Mansi Shah, Managing Editor: “I think wanting a new house and your own space is something that most couples desire but usually because ‘raja beta’ is being comfortably catered to, he doesn’t really see why this is an issue. I would suggest sitting down with your husband and hashing it out. Talk to him about why you want to move out but make it more substantial than doing it because you want to have parties. It could be about needing your space, how you want to pursue certain interests. Keep in mind, he may not be exactly excited by the prospect of the whole thing, given that he will be required to move his own ass and get things done. But you want to ensure you talk about this as something you really want. He should come around unless the patriarchy runs really deep. In which case, well, do it anyway.”
Jinal Bhatt, Associate Editor: “I get your apprehensions. There’s this stigma attached to being the ‘bahu’ that broke up the family by asking to live in a separate home because our sanskaari movies and tv shows have drilled it into our brains. But wanting your own home, one that accords you some privacy and you can run in your own way isn’t just valid, but also much needed to keep the peace. It’ll bring you close as a couple too, as you set up your new home, take care of it, and build your own space. Lead with these points when you talk to your husband. You never know, he’ll see sense in it and agree with you right away. If he is even a little convinced, try involving your in-laws in the discussion and the house-hunting plans. It sounds counterproductive, but as long as he and his parents both realise you’re not creating distance but just some breathing space and privacy, there’s no reason for them to not be on board. You cannot have a good marriage if you’re stifling bits of you!”
Sadhika Sehgal, Trending Head: “I think this is the time you read out an old and effective quote to him that goes like, “there is no growth in your comfort zone”. While it may be difficult for him to leave the only way he’s known how to live until now and start fresh, it is on you to make him feel confident and secure for this change. Try to explain the situation to him more calmly, suggest a few feasible suggestions of making weekly/monthly visits to his parents and stand your ground on how a little privacy may not be the worst thing for the two of you right now. Ease him into the idea, than setting down an ultimatum. I am sure he will come around to the idea.”
Mitali Shah, Lifestyle Writer: “Wanting to move out and live on your own terms with your partner is very normal. I think you should calmly talk to him about how you feel and make him see how moving out and getting a place of your own is advantageous. Tell him you’ll will visit his parents regularly and they can even come live with you’ll TEMPORARILY. It might be a little tough for him since men are extremely pampered but after a few conversations, I am sure he will come around and see how practical it is. It’s on you to push him out of his comfort zone and into a space that works for both of you’ll.”
Chingsanghoih Guite, Graphic Designer: “Unless your husband himself has said no to moving out, you can still have a serious talk with him about how you feel. Tell him about your wishes because wanting a life of your own and some privacy is normal. I would want it too. So as long as you two can afford a home you just need be open and honest to your husband about your feelings.”
Akanksha Narang (Me), Features Head: “It’s normal for you to seek a space you can call your own and a haven where your love can blossom in privacy. It’s also normal for a person to resist change and if your husband is doing that, you will have to roll your sleeves and take it up. It won’t be easy but if it is financially feasible for both of you, he should be able to take your feelings into account. Tell him of all the reasons this is a good idea. And honestly, you will have to play smart and show him how it’s beneficial to both of you. Meanwhile, furnish your bedroom to feel cozier and start doing things you would do if you guys were living alone – at least what is possible. Break that wall and tell him how he can make you feel more comfortable there. If it doesn’t work, you can tell him that you gave it your best shot and now it’s his turn to meet you where you are. Be ready to pursue this aggressively.”
Baewatch is Hauterfly’s weekly service to womxn everywhere. We are giving no-holds-barred, funny, interesting answers to your relationship problems. We’re not experts so you may end up married or broken up. It could go either way. *shrugs*