7 Reasons You Shouldn’t Change Who You Truly Are For A Man. One Is That You Will Be Constantly Seeking His Validation
I call myself a woke, strong and independent woman, and yet I have been guilty of trying to change myself for the guy I love. It can be anything big or several small things. One day he casually said he likes kajal on me and there you go, I wore it every time we met. Even though I don’t like wearing kajal usually. He didn’t like bright lipsticks and all of those 15 vivid hues remained untouched in my beauty closet. These are small things but says a lot about how we are willing to let go of ourselves for the men we love.
When I was in college, the guy I dated back then didn’t like me drinking, going out late or being online after midnight. He didn’t even like the hilarious and sarcastic banter I had with my friends on FB. Apparently, that puts me in bad light. I stopped all of this because I was naïve and I believed he was being a guide. I swear when I broke up with him, the first thing I did was grab a glass of wine and I felt relieved. You can’t take a fish out of water.
There’s a difference between adapting to each other’s likes. For instance, you’ve been a beer person and he introduced you to whiskey and now that’s your drink. Or maybe he made you watch Avengers and now you have this thirst for Marvel movies. It’s confusing, right? They say don’t be with someone who wants to change you. But they also say be with someone who makes you the best version of you. It’s cool if he inspires you to stay healthy. Or shows you a whole new perspective of things. But your core qualities and the things that you love that make you you…should you give up on those? I don’t think so. Here’s why.
1) He should love you for who you are
When he fell for you, what is wrong with you being just that? I am not saying you shouldn’t fix things you do that hurt him; you would expect the same from him. But why should you change yourself for them to love you?
2) It will make you dissociate with yourself
You like wearing makeup but he believes in “simplicity”. Or maybe you love spending your Saturdays dancing the night away but he’d like you better being a homebody. That’s not who you are and you’ll feel like you’re living someone else’s life. You’re broccoli and don’t let anyone call you a cauliflower.
3) You’ll be living a lie
What is honest about this? You’ll be with someone who loves you but not for who you really are. And then you’re pretending to like things that you probably despise! In the end, it’s bound to get suffocating for you.
4) What will remain of you if you change every time you date?
Are you a party animal or a Netflix and chill kinda person? Are you emotional or more logical? Whatever you are, you can’t change your core each time you find a new boy. Be who you are and the right one will match with you!
5) You will constantly seek his approval
No two people can like each other 100%. Nobody will check all the boxes of what you want in a partner. But if you constantly seek his validation to feel worthy, you will never have it. Because no matter how much you change, there’ll always be room for more until you completely lose yourself and your relationship.
6) You are hoping it will make him like/respect you more
If you feel loved and secure, why would you try to change, right? It’s worth paying attention to why you feel your needs aren’t being met. You shouldn’t have to become his Stepford Wife so he cares more.
7) It has roots in patriarchy and strips away your power
For years, women have been told what to do and how to behave in order to make the lives of men easier. We’ve been told what is attractive – the way we should set our hair, cross our legs, dress up, and be soft-spoken. It is years of conditioning that makes women seek validation of their men and wish to stick to the qualities our patriarchal society has assigned to women. The desire to change for men and please them strips you off your individuality and it happens to the best of us. Which is why it’s important to consciously hold your ground.