Woman Asks What Men Want Other Men To Change For A Better World. The Responses Prove Men Are Tired Of Toxic Masculinity Too.
Albus Dumbledore once said, it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our friends. When the #MeToo movement gained momentum across the globe, one of its most striking features was men coming out in support of women and calling out the oppressive politics of their own gender and toxic masculinity. It couldn’t have been easy, seeing the light, and in that light, finally recognising their male privilege and the oppression that they’ve levelled on women for ages now. Yes, it was the bare minimum, and yes, we don’t need to build temples in their name for not going #NotAllMen. But the point is, they listened, and they accepted, and then preached a better way for their fellow men. It made me, and other women, realise that there were men out there who rejected the rigid gender roles, who recognised their follies, and who wanted to change the world for the better.
When we see the oppression, the atrocities and crimes against women around us, it’s hard to remember this small yet very real truth. Luckily, we get reminders like this one here.
Recently, journalist Rituparna Chatterjee, who curates the Twitter handle @IndiaMeToo, posed a question to the men on the platform. Rather than asking what women wanted men to change about themselves, which is usually the norm, she asked men what they wanted other men to change about themselves so as to make this world a better, safer place for everyone.
This is a question to men: What is the one behaviour you'd want other men to change to make safer, better spaces for everyone? Genuine question, abusive, troll tweets will be ignored/blocked. Purely to engage and to listen.
— Rituparna Chatterjee (@MasalaBai) November 11, 2020
It’s such a simple yet crucial question, isn’t it? Our world view, thanks to the happenings and messaging around us, is limited to thinking that women want change because they’re oppressed and men are rigidly against it because they’d lose their power. But what the responses here prove is that there are men out there who want, nay, demand that things change, for their own gender. And it isn’t only because they want a better space for women, although that is a priority. It’s also because, somewhere, I feel, even men tire of being held up to these regressive standards of “being a man” and behaving a certain way to prove their masculinity.
The responses poured in from Twitter users, fellow journalists, comedians like Vir Das and even actors like Gulshan Devaiah and Sushant Singh chimed in. From wanting other men to lower their volume when they speak, toning down the toxic masculinity, to simply listening to what women want and not being ashamed to speak up if they’re the ones being abused, here’s what the men hoped their fellow bros would do.
I’d like men to at times tone down all the Ultra Alpha Masculine posturing in groups and gatherings, including twitter pe dialogues like “sher humesha akele hi shikar pe jaata hai” and other such nonsense.
— “SuperGullu” (@gulshandevaiah) November 11, 2020
LISTEN!
Just stop talking for once and listen. Like actually absorb the words being thrown at you.
— Pramit (@pramitheus) November 11, 2020
Listen. I mean actively listen. Do not interrupt. Do not take up more than your time. Do not undermine or undervalue experiences you don’t understand.
— A.M. (@bhalomanush) November 11, 2020
Make it normal for men to be feminists! YES!
"make it normal for men to be feminists" ❤️❤️❤️
— Rituparna Chatterjee (@MasalaBai) November 11, 2020
Stop yourself physically when you want to correct people
Use that time when you stop yourself to think about whether that thing you want to correct is really important
Check it as well, on the internet, that you know it for certain
If answers to both Qs is yes, do it gently— সোহিনী 🌻 | ஸோஹினி | Sohini (@sohinichat) November 12, 2020
Interesting! Do you suppose the volume of voice and intonation is meant to be intimidating?
— Rituparna Chatterjee (@MasalaBai) November 11, 2020
Yes! Because the question was about “spaces”, I think men often dominate spaces with their voices. I think if we/they learn to control tone, volume, and, as u said, intonation, actual conversations about politics, emotions, and their mental health can become more productive
— V!N$ (@hellavinu) November 11, 2020
1/2 At the workplace: Treat them as you would like to be treated, especially at the workplace. Learn to listen respectfully. Give support when others try to mansplain. Disagree politely, not snidely. Maintain physical distance.
— Shantanu (@shantanub) November 11, 2020
2/2 In personal lives: Treat them normally, equally. Don't put them on a pedestal, or underfoot. Respect their wishes. Don't crack "my wife is the home minister" type of uncle jokes; stop others who do. Support her in public, and in private.
— Shantanu (@shantanub) November 11, 2020
Never understood the power trip some men get by intimidating people in every situation. It's the cave man mentality or extra testosterone that they want to act like they want to beat up every man and fuck every woman in the room. Change – lecherous stares and Body language.
— Vivek Shukla 💤 (@unrealvivek) November 11, 2020
To abolish the concept of *manning up* and accept that men are also human beings, so its only natural for us to experience emotions and feelings, so we need to process them and feel them instead of ignoring them. This notion is so toxic and has done so much harm.
— Tuhin Das (@tuhinat221b) November 11, 2020
How do you suggest that can be achieved?
— Rituparna Chatterjee (@MasalaBai) November 11, 2020
For starters, they need to introspect & acknowledge the male privilege. Many are either unaware or knowingly ignore this. Some try to justify it via false equivalences.
— IdlyVadaa (@IdlyVadaa) November 11, 2020
Thanks for adding that!
— Rituparna Chatterjee (@MasalaBai) November 12, 2020
Empathy. It is not a behaviour per say but a way of being that allows for people to feel safe and comfortable. It is what makes therapy sessions safe for people in general and something, we as men, need to adopt to help create safer societies for women.
— Omar Bazza (@bazzapower) November 12, 2020
Yup … this is it. Ive lost too many 'friends' over this lol … fck that shit.
— Outsider Influence رددے (@FellahMengu) November 12, 2020
Sir, mansplaining ko zaraa side pe kar dein!
Stop explaining things unless asked for advice explicitly
— I'm a Plotta // Piyush Ochani (@PiyushOchani) November 11, 2020
Men should change the “mard ko dard nehin hota” attitude. And boys should be raised from childhood in such a way, that they can be sensitive towards things/people around them without the fear of being judged.
— Mayukh Samajder (@Mayukh_S) November 11, 2020
Touching women ‘innocently’, without consent. https://t.co/sBeobbiqRq
— सुशांत सिंह sushant singh سشانت سنگھ (@sushant_says) November 11, 2020
Also, I'd like them to be more understanding towards needs of women that are gender specific. Like separate clean washrooms in offices, provision for unconditional maternity leave etc.
— ATom Cat (@asu1yk) November 11, 2020
Two words: Period leaves! Women are more worried about men thinking them as weak if they start taking period leaves, which is why there are still women who think it will be a blow to their demands for equality. But if men are understanding of gender-specific needs, then this fear won’t exist.
The day on a social media platform, a guy supports a girl for her views and no one in the thread says… nahi degi, we could confidently say that men have changed for the better.
— REPEAT (@rajeshrahul29) November 12, 2020
Dear men, we know abuse can happen to anyone. Please speak up, and we will support you too.
Do not tolerate an abusive wife. Coming out of an abusive relationship is any day better than living with them just to conform to societal morals#InternationalMensDay https://t.co/17szR0lVa5
— rajeev (@rajeevmysore) November 12, 2020
Be rid of the notion that experience or age equals intelligence and has veto rights. It's the notion that dictates how we treat younger employees, anyone who are new or returning to the workplace, newer thought, newer policy, family, relationships, trends and technology. https://t.co/3hTxU2Iiu6
— Vir Das (@thevirdas) November 12, 2020
We, men, should learn to tone down our audacity. I am surprised to see many of us having so much audacity to slut-shame women on social media. Some of us even DM women with vulgar comments. Whatever a woman is posting, it is not an invitation for us to misbehave with them. https://t.co/y13rzYSnNZ
— Kaushik Raj (@kaushikrj6) November 11, 2020
The responses were quite eye-opening, and revealed that not just women, but even men are exhausted with toxic masculinity and want a lot of things to change in their gender’s behaviour and conduct.
If you have 10 minutes, please read the responses to this #MenSpeakingToMen thread and tag the men you know, make them read it. The answers are exclusively from men about what behaviour they need to change to do better. https://t.co/ePZZCnR15a
— Rituparna Chatterjee (@MasalaBai) November 12, 2020
This thread gives hope. https://t.co/H8YvybRpV4
— Naina (@mostlyhangry) November 12, 2020
Indeed, this thread generates hope. Hope that there are men out there who’ve received the message that generations of women have been trying to send out. Who don’t look at ‘feminism’ as a bad, scary word and an invitation to dismiss women as man-haters. It’s an assurance and a motivation for us women to keep talking, keep fighting for equality, because as you can see, men are listening and many of them are learning and unlearning to make this world a better place. And these men, hopefully, along with us, will raise a new generation of children who will do better.